He, She, or They

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melodymessiah
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Re: He, She, or They

Post by melodymessiah » Thu Apr 19, 2018 5:00 pm

your lyrics makes no sense to me, they're way too vague and lofty. what about:

lost in life
dreams left to die
when i thought my heart had gone to sleep
you smiled at me

or:

stormy sky
rain in my eyes
when i thought i could no longer see
you smiled at me

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SteveBaruah
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Re: He, She, or They

Post by SteveBaruah » Thu Apr 19, 2018 11:25 pm

They probably don't make sense without the context of the rest of the song.
Nice lyrics but this is a positive, uplifting song.

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SteveBaruah
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Re: He, She, or They

Post by SteveBaruah » Fri May 04, 2018 2:10 pm

For those interested, here's how the song turned out.
Mix feedback appreciated.
It's too late for lyric changes, etc.

https://soundcloud.com/audioshine/she-smiled-at-you

Thanks,
Last edited by SteveBaruah on Tue May 08, 2018 2:33 am, edited 2 times in total.

melodymessiah
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Re: He, She, or They

Post by melodymessiah » Fri May 04, 2018 2:43 pm

well, i still think the title is too impersonal and distant, you smiled at me would be much better imo.

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SteveBaruah
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Re: He, She, or They

Post by SteveBaruah » Fri May 04, 2018 2:52 pm

Telling someone 'you smiled at me' doesn't have the emotional impact.
The listener wants to be the one who is being hit on.
This is more of an approach like The Beatles 'She Loves You'.

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Casey H
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Re: He, She, or They

Post by Casey H » Mon Oct 22, 2018 1:17 pm

SteveBaruah wrote:Telling someone 'you smiled at me' doesn't have the emotional impact.
The listener wants to be the one who is being hit on.
This is more of an approach like The Beatles 'She Loves You'.
I agree with Melody that "She Smiled At You" is impersonal and the least desirable way to go for song success. A title like "You Smiled At Me" has more emotional impact. Third person is always the lowest emotional impact for the listener. Yes! The listener wants to be the one who is being hit on. So "You smiled at me" does that and brings the listener in as "you" who you are singing to.

And the Beatles "She Loves You" is more the exception to the rule, one that has no relevance to an unknown songwriter trying to be successful today. One of the worst mistakes we can make as new songwriters is to fall into the trap of, "But so-and-so did that in 1967!!!". No one cares. What matters is what's typically on the charts more recently.

The song sounds great and for Film/TV, sometimes these things don't matter so much such as when they music sup is looking more for the sound and vibe or for source music (coming out of a radio in the background). That being said, you asked the question and we are answering in terms of what is generally best for songwriters, especially unknown ones like us. BTW, I recently DID write a 3rd person song called "She's The Girl" as an experiment. But I did it consciously. Jury still out.

I assume your goal is Film/TV?

Good luck with the song!

:) Casey

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Re: He, She, or They

Post by Patrick » Tue Oct 30, 2018 12:50 am

Instead of penning She, He or They smiled at you, I think you should go for the 'niche market' and write...

"The Crack Whore smiled at you."
Bad art can make you laugh
Good art can make you think
Great art can destroy you

- Me

(Did he just quote himself?? Yes! Yes I did!)

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Re: He, She, or They

Post by SquareBiz » Sun May 05, 2019 9:14 am

What about titling it "Smiled at You" and that covers everything. I TRY to keep my titles as short as possible, but that ultimately up to you.

The best of luck!

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