Pour Another One for Me (Folk/Country)

[mikeShort]

Here's a new one. What do you think? Structure is verse/verse/bridge/verse.

Pour Another One for Me
by Michael B. Short © 2012

The house is waiting
Dark and cold
Nothing for me there
No tea or coffee
On the shelf
Silence hanging in the air
No reason I should hurry
No place I need to be
Long past time to worry
Pour another one for me

She up and left it
All behind
And she never said good-bye
She was looking for
Something more
Something different she could try
I think it's fair to ask
Why it was never meant to be
I'm as empty as my glass
Pour another one for me

Life is passing me by
While I fight the urge to cry
This bottle ain't the answer
It just helps me swallow lies

There are questions
I need to face
And there are answers I can find
If I get out
Of this place
Before the world leaves me behind
So if you're with your drinking buddies
But I'm nowhere to be seen
Raise a glass to my success
Pour another one for me

[simonsays]

Hi Mike,
Sorry, I just saw this. Overall I like it. Nice job! A couple of things didn't ring right for me though. I'll put them in parenthesis.
Steve

Here's a new one. What do you think? Structure is verse/verse/bridge/verse.

Pour Another One for Me [Nice title. Descriptive and to the point.]
by Michael B. Short © 2012

The house is (waiting) [Waiting seems out of place to me ... expectant. (opposite in tone from the rest) Something like (empty, barren, or bare) might work better imo.]
Dark and cold
Nothing for me there
(No tea or coffee)
(On the shelf) [These two lines seem like filler to me. (I don't see how they connect with the narrative) I think you can do better. Although, I have no suggestions on how.]
Silence hanging in the air
No reason I should hurry
No place I need to be
Long past time to worry
Pour another one for me [These last lines fit nicely.]

She up and left it
All behind
And she never said good-bye [Sounds like she left without a word. Then the next lines imply she did say some things.]
She was looking for
Something more
Something different she could try
I think it's fair to ask
Why it was never meant to be
I'm as empty as my glass [Sweet line. I love it!]
Pour another one for me

Life is passing me by
While I fight the urge to cry
(I know) This bottle ain't the answer
(It just helps me swallow lies) [I think you can do better here. I was going to suggest something like "It's just the first one I could find" ... but you use find in a following line.]

There are questions
I need to face
And there are answers I can find
If I get out
Of this place
Before the world leaves me behind
So if you're with your drinking buddies
But I'm nowhere to be seen
Raise a glass to my success
Pour another one for me

[I like this last verse too.]

[hummingbird]

I like the feedback above, good thoughts. I like the flow and the payoff into the hookline, but I also had problems with the bridge; but I sure like the 'moving forward' in the 3rd verse

Life is passing me by
While I fight the urge to cry
This bottle ain't the answer
It just helps me swallow lies

the "I" rhymes lead you astray, IMHO; if you don't already have music maybe shorten it & start with the strongest statement you make

(hell, I know) this bottle ain't the answer
(it won't change what's done...)
...there are questions I need to answer....

JMHO... very nice work

[PENKSLYRICS]

Hi Mike

I really like this, although I do agree with most of "simonsays" comments.

A few suggestions, I think might work better are:

She up and left it
All behind
And she never said good-bye : change to (Without even a good-bye
She was looking for : change to (Maybe she wanted)
Something more : change to (Pastures new)
Something different she could try
I think it's fair to ask
Why it was never meant to be
I'm as empty as my glass
Pour another one for me

Hope this helps.
Roger

[mikeShort]

You all seem to have caught my lazy line! Thanks for the comments. New draft soon!

[mikeShort]

Thanks for the gentle shove. I think this is better:

Pour Another One for Me
by Michael B. Short © 2012

The house is hollow
Dark and cold
Nothing for me there
Empty closets
Empty shelves
Silence hanging in the air
No reason I should hurry
No place I need to be
Long past time to worry
Pour another one for me

She up and left it
All behind
And she barely said good-bye
Maybe looking for
Something more
Something different she could try
I think it's fair to ask
If it was never meant to be
I'm as empty as my glass
Pour another one for me

This bottle ain't the answer
Just another lame excuse
If I don't get my act together
She won't be the only thing I lose

There are questions
I need to face
And answers I can find
If I get out
Of this place
Before the world leaves me behind
So when you're with your drinking buddies
But I'm nowhere to be seen
Raise a glass to my success
Pour another one for me

[GlennPageMusic]

Nicely done. I like the refinements.

[mikeShort]

For those of you who read it before I changed (and edited) the bridge, here's the newest bridge. It's also in my post with the revised lyrics (but it wasn't for a couple of hours).

Bridge

This bottle ain't the answer
Just another lame excuse
If I don't get my act together
She won't be the only thing I lose

Again, thanks to all for the encouragement to get this in shape. I think I'm close now with your help.

[simonsays]

Yep Mike,
IMO, that's a much better bridge you've got there now. Great job!
Steve

For those of you who read it before I changed (and edited) the bridge, here's the newest bridge. It's also in my post with the revised lyrics (but it wasn't for a couple of hours).

Bridge

This bottle ain't the answer
Just another lame excuse
If I don't get my act together
She won't be the only thing I lose

Again, thanks to all for the encouragement to get this in shape. I think I'm close now with your help.

[GlennPageMusic]

I'm not too crazy about "lame excuse"; it sounds a bit cliched and doesn't (in my opinion) match the voice of the speaker. Maybe a different adjective could freshen it up, or even just "poor" instead of "lame" -which would be a play on the word "pour" (pour/poor)

Maybe

Poor (pour)
weak
stale
failed
pained
forced

?