Rejection Conjecture, Round 2

[hummingbird]

Quote:Thanks Vikki! I'll send a you a version without the vocals if you'd like to play around with it...very generous of you to volunteer you time.AndreHi Andre - I received your file and I'm sorry I didn't check this first, but you wrote this (quite rightly) for a male voice and the key/arrangement doesn't suit me. But while I fooled with it, I fell even more in love with it. The nuances of melody that you've created are really quite beautiful and moving. And I think you do a good job of the vocals, too.Even though your chorus music is quite wonderful, I still am on the fence as to whether it is indeed strong enough. "You Raise Me Up" is similar to what you've done, but I think you could go further. Perhaps listen to a little Sarah Brightman or Barbara Streisand for inspiration there.I think also you might consider submitting a broadcast quality version of this to the upcoming listing looking for Broadway-style tunes. Before you do that though, I would at least add harmonies to the chorus to 'lift' it more, and I would rethink the hook & the lyrics a little.Here's my suggestions for the lyrics:"ENDLESSLY" ©2006 André Hoth Verse 1: I thought I saw you there Was it real? Did I see A shimmer in the air Of a SWEET memory Your beauty remains In my heart you are free But your FOOTSTEPS ARE fading And your story ends Chorus: YOU HELD ME endlessly You showed me who I can be YOUR love was everything to me.... now you've flown away I'LL HOLD YOU ENDLESSLY IN MY DREAMSVerse 2: I wonder where you are In the clouds? In the sea? I know you're not that far I can still feel you breathe When you touch me like rain In the STILL LONELY NIGHTBut your FOOTSTEPS ARE faded And your story ends [Chorus] Bridge: Patiently turning the stars in the sky They open their arms to you So don't keep them waiting Chorus: THEY'LL hold you endlessly THEY'LL show you what you can be THEIR love is everything you need... now you've flown UP HIGH (away) I'LL HOLD YOU ENDLESSLY IN MY DREAMSI'd love to do some background vocals on this if you want more texture.I also emailed you these notes.Hope that helps! Lovely lovely songcheersHummin'bird

[hummingbird]

Hey, you are very welcome. I played with the song for awhile, and I sure did fall in love with it. I agree with the 'footsteps' phrase not being that strong - but I think it's important not to say that the person's "spirit" is fading, because the whole song is about them (their spirit) 'flying away up there to the stars'. I think if you do the lyrical tweaks and work on the chorus as you've suggested, you'll take an already good song to an exceptional level. Don't be afraid to sing it, either cheersVikki

[andreh]

Funny you should ask, Horace...I just recently got a call from David Foster (Josh Groban's producer), and they want to use the song on his next album! I'm so stoked!!! And then I woke up. Actually, I do intend to submit it for another Groban-esque Dispatch listing that expires on Monday, but I haven't had time to incorporate any of the great suggestions made in this thread (special thanks to Vikki for her time). However, since the listing party is screening submissions himself, maybe he'll be more willing to see through the song's imperfections than Taxi was for a previous high-bar listing.I do plan to update the track in the next few weeks though; I have a singer lined up who should do it some justice. I'll post the new version when it's done.Thanks for asking,Andre