Stuff Weighs You Down

[Nick2012]

F-M, I like your revision a lot. I totally get that he is long gone and she still has those automatic negative behaviors that developed during the relationship. I think it's creative how you're showing the parallel between physical baggage and emotional baggage. I think the only problem is the bridge. You've made it too specific to Verse 2 (the emotional baggage). If it were me, I'd try to come up a bridge that links the two ideas and gives the song real cohesion. It has to really pop and make the listener go, "Ohhh. I GET it!"

I think such a bridge would make all the difference.

As for reducing the number of characters and sub plots, I'd drop..

"Every time she moves back home her parents moan"

For one, implying to the listener that she apparently moves back home on a regular basis might have the listener thinking "Why?". They might try to listen for an answer later in the song, and you really don't give them one. So you're kind of introducing an unnecessary sub plot that throws a bit of a curve.

Bringing in the parents isn't really necessary either. I would use "her friends" in both pre-choruses. Approach it from the prospective that the 1st verse takes place during a time when her and her friends are younger and she's living on her own (a few years before meeting HIM).

The 1st pre-chorus could be something like...

"Her friends love her to death, and out of love they ask..."

Not saying that's the best phrasing, "Out of love" could possibly be taken in the wrong context I suppose. But I think you know where I'm going.

Nick

[bucyboy]

I really like the first verse. It's got a great feel to it. I personally didn't care for the home/moan line of the pre-chorus. To me the second verse seems to go in a different direction, but that's just me. I thought if the song stayed focused on the first verse more it might be stronger. The title itself I think could also be improved. What if the first verse was carried on into something positive. For example, every time she holds that broken chain, or looks through her old concert tickets, etc, it takes her back to an important time and place in her life. Maybe when things are going bad or she's going through a difficult time she can look at those things to help her through it. I think it would put a very positive spin on it. She doesn't have to be holding on to the past, just looking back on some good things and times in her life when she needs a reminder or a lift, as to say, things may be rough at the moment, but here's proof of all the good things that can still lie ahead. I think it could make for a great powerful song.

Ok, that's my 2 cents

Buc

[ocean]

Oh, that first verse is so great. I'm not that fond of the second verse either. It sort of lets the first one down. How about placing her along life's lonely highway trying to hitch a ride. But all the stuff she carries with her makes it difficult? Something like that. I'd also change the title to something like "The Stuff That Weigh You Down", it has a better feel to it in my opinion. It isn't as "matter of fact". I'd also direct the chorus towards the character rather than the listener, but I guess it's not necessary- as you might be adressing the character herself as 'you' here. But to me it still doesn't feel right. Keep up the good work!

[FMstereo]

Hi Nick

Really appreciate your comments - it's a great boost when someone understands the point you're trying to make!

That's a good idea about the bridge being more applicable to both verses.

In respect of moving back home, I was trying to show that this girl isn't very good at relationships, particularly because of her emotional baggage. However, I understand that this is probably distracting, and the parents are just more characters that confuse the story.

Buc and Ocean, thank you for your encouraging words. You've both got some great ideas for the direction of the song. Now I have to decide where the song wants to go!

Yes, the chorus was directed towards the character rather than the listener, first it was the parents talking, and then the friends.

Time for more editing!!

(Sometimes I wonder if it would be an interesting post to look at the first draft of a song, and then post up the final lyric. Many of mine turn out to be completely different from where I started!!)

Cheers

[simonsays]

Hi FM,
If you want to keep a word similar to 'shift' in the pre-chorus, I would suggest "drift'. I know, it doesn't have the alliteration that 'move' does, but then... it doesn't sound like "SH!T' like 'shift' does. (sorry,couldn't help myself there)(seriously though, people do mis-hear lyrics sometimes. (Like, "... you picked a fine time to leave me Lucile, with 400 children, and a crop in the field")(Frankly, if I was a woman... I would have left him a mite earlier!)

In your chorus (line 2): you could drop the you're without losing anything.
Also In chorus (line 2): in the past can be condensed to, 'behind'.
Then ryme-alley in (line 3) you'll be bound might become, 'it binds'.

Hope that was useful for you.
Sincerely, Steve

[simonsays]

Hi again FM,

How's this for a possible bridge expansion ?

Feel free to leave ...
you're baggage on the floor
it-doesn't-own-you
you don't need it anymore

Steve

[FMstereo]

Hi Steve

You've got some great suggestions there, particularly for the chorus and bridge. (I'll probably completely re-write the pre-chorus to verse 1.)

Many thanks.

Cheers

[Nick2012]

F-M,

Went to sleep thinking about this. Woke up with these 2 ideas for the bridge...

Cluttering the corners of your room, or of your mind
Baggage is baggage, best to leave it behind

Cluttering the corners of your room
Cluttering the corners of your mind
Baggage is baggage
It's best to leave it behind

Might not be the words you'd tend to use, but it shows what I mean by linking the two verses.

Nick

[FMstereo]

Hey Nick

Good to know I'm not the only one who wakes up with lyrics in my head!!

Thanks for those lines - great ideas.

Cheers

[FMstereo]

Hi there

I got so many great comments about this lyric, but I felt pulled in different directions. So, I've now come up with two songs, each spinning off the same first verse (there's a small change to one line).

I like aspects of both, I can't decide. Which one do you think works better?

Stuff Clouds Your Mind

You keep old concert tickets
Broken silver chains
Shells from nearby beaches
Gifts you can’t exchange
And all your dolls and teddy bears
Are boxed and stored underneath the stairs

Chorus
How many years will you carry round this load
It’s history; so why not let it go
The longer you keep it, the tighter it will bind
All this stuff clouds your mind

He left a shirt in the dryer
You wear it every night
You’ve hung up all his photos
And play the songs he used to like
You’re reading lots of books he read
And started saying the things he always said

Chorus

Bridge
If you were free of clutter
Maybe you would hear
Every time I say how much I care

Chorus

© F-M C Cossey 2011


A Small Reminder

She keeps old concert tickets
Broken silver chains
Shells from nearby beaches
A leather purse from Spain
And all her dolls and teddy bears
Are boxed and stored underneath the stairs

Chorus
She doesn’t need reminders that she’s loved
Or that someone’s looking out for her from high up above
But sometimes she goes back in time, off to another land
With just a small reminder in her hand

She remembers seeing Elvis
Just before he died
And treasures the silver necklace
A gift on her wedding night
She loves when her grandkids come to stay
Showing them the way she used to play

Chorus

Bridge
She’s holding onto her memories
From the good times long ago
But they also say keep living every day

Chorus

© F-M C Cossey 2011

Cheers