Stuff Weighs You Down

Want your lyics reviewed? Post 'em up!

Moderators: admin, mdc, TAXIstaff

User avatar
FMstereo
Committed Musician
Committed Musician
Posts: 649
Joined: Thu Jun 10, 2010 11:45 pm
Gender: Female
Location: New Zealand
Contact:

Stuff Weighs You Down

Post by FMstereo » Fri Jun 17, 2011 2:20 am

Hi there

I finished this in the last couple of days, but not entirely sure about the bridge.

If anyone has ideas for improvement of the bridge or just generally I would really appreciate it.


Stuff Weighs You Down

She keeps old concert tickets
Broken silver chains
Shells from every beach she’s walked
Gifts she can’t exchange
And all her dolls and teddy bears
Are boxed and stored beneath the stairs

Pre-chorus
Every time she shifts back home her parents moan

Chorus
How many years will you haul this stuff around
You’re holding on to what’s best left in the past
The longer you keep it, the tighter you’ll be bound
All this stuff weighs you down

She’s grabs her pack and suitcase
Her husband drops his head
He finds it hard to work out why
She says the things she’s said
He’s sure she carries bygone scars
In barbs of wire across her heart

Pre-chorus
He’s sick of being blamed ‘cause others caused her pain

Chorus

Bridge
Dump your baggage on the floor
You don’t need it any more

Chorus


© F-M C Cossey 2011


Cheers

User avatar
Casey H
King of the World
King of the World
Posts: 12343
Joined: Tue Jan 27, 2004 3:22 pm
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Contact:

Re: Stuff Weighs You Down

Post by Casey H » Fri Jun 17, 2011 4:25 am

FMstereo wrote:Hi there

I finished this in the last couple of days, but not entirely sure about the bridge.

If anyone has ideas for improvement of the bridge or just generally I would really appreciate it.


Stuff Weighs You Down

She keeps old concert tickets
Broken silver chains
Shells from every beach she’s walked
Gifts she can’t exchange
And all her dolls and teddy bears
Are boxed and stored beneath the stairs

Pre-chorus
Every time she shifts back home her parents moan

Chorus
How many years will you haul this stuff around
You’re holding on to what’s best left in the past
The longer you keep it, the tighter you’ll be bound
All this stuff weighs you down

She’s grabs her pack and suitcase
Her husband drops his head
He finds it hard to work out why
She says the things she’s said
He’s sure she carries bygone scars
In barbs of wire across her heart

Pre-chorus
He’s sick of being blamed ‘cause others caused her pain

Chorus

Bridge
Dump your baggage on the floor
You don’t need it any more

Chorus
Hi FM!
I love the song idea and verse 1 really does a great job of setting it up. But then the story wanders and gets lost-- the song feels incomplete, not having a central, cohesive theme.

This is all one man's opinion, of course... My next (first, acually :o ) #1 hit has yet to come. ;)

I think you have too many themes and characters (her, parents, husband)... I'd focus on how she keeps everything and one theme related to that-- she loves her life but holds on to her past this way, what she is today comes from all this stuff, or some other idea. One other character such as her husband or love interest would work, especially in a bridge.

Minor thing... I wouldn't say "shifts back home", I'd go with more normal conversation-- e.g. "moves back home"...

JMHO
FWIW
HTH
:D Casey

User avatar
FMstereo
Committed Musician
Committed Musician
Posts: 649
Joined: Thu Jun 10, 2010 11:45 pm
Gender: Female
Location: New Zealand
Contact:

Re: Stuff Weighs You Down

Post by FMstereo » Fri Jun 17, 2011 1:25 pm

Hi Casey

Thanks for all your comments - I'll have a go at re-working it.

Cheers

User avatar
mikeShort
Impressive
Impressive
Posts: 229
Joined: Fri Apr 01, 2011 11:12 am
Gender: Male
Contact:

Re: Stuff Weighs You Down

Post by mikeShort » Sat Jun 18, 2011 9:12 am

I think the problem with the second verse is that it's a "tell" verse. In the first verse, you show how she can't let go. I think that's why Casey and I agree it's the best part of the song. The second verse doesn't work the same way. And the pre-chorus after the second verse reminds me of (weaker) movies where suddenly something happens just because the plot requires it ... it feels tacked on. There is no evidence presented that the husband has been blamed by anyone, not even her, so it clangs when he's quoted as saying that.

But I wouldn't even try to fix that. I'd take Casey's advice and work in a different direction. The protagonist actually does two different things, and there is interest there. She won't let go, and she won't hold on. That tension is where the strength of the song lies.

Good luck. What we're doing is hard! And the better we get at it, the harder it gets!
Mike

"It's not bad. It's just not DONE."
The tall member of 2Late (http://www.2lateonline.com)

User avatar
FMstereo
Committed Musician
Committed Musician
Posts: 649
Joined: Thu Jun 10, 2010 11:45 pm
Gender: Female
Location: New Zealand
Contact:

Re: Stuff Weighs You Down

Post by FMstereo » Sat Jun 18, 2011 10:36 pm

Hi Mike

Thanks for all your comments.

I thought that was a really perceptive way you described this: "She won't let go, and she won't hold on. That tension is where the strength of the song lies."

I had simply written this as a song about baggage - physical and emotional. In verse one it's about all the stuff she holds onto, and that she drags back home each time a relationship ends. In verse two she's leaving her husband because she's unfairly judging what he says and does through the lens of the baggage she carries from the pain caused by her exes.

That was supposed to lead into the pre-chorus of him telling her she was blaming him because of the baggage she carried, and that he had not actually done anything wrong.

However, clearly I didn't do a good enough job in expressing that!!

You and Casey have both given me good ideas for a new direction for this song.

Cheers

User avatar
FMstereo
Committed Musician
Committed Musician
Posts: 649
Joined: Thu Jun 10, 2010 11:45 pm
Gender: Female
Location: New Zealand
Contact:

Re: Stuff Weighs You Down

Post by FMstereo » Tue Jun 21, 2011 2:47 am

I've had another go at re-working this. I hope the theme is clearer now.


Stuff Weighs You Down

She keeps old concert tickets
Broken silver chains
Shells from every beach she’s walked
Gifts she can’t exchange
And all her dolls and teddy bears
Are boxed and stored beneath the stairs

Pre-chorus
Every time she moves back home her parents moan

Chorus
How many years will you haul this stuff around
You’re holding on to what’s best left in the past
The longer you keep it, the tighter you’ll be bound
All this stuff weighs you down

She never wears her glasses
He said she looked a fright
Still won’t go out in shoes with heels
He didn’t have her height
She turns down chips and chocolate cake
‘Cause he made her worry about her weight

Pre-chorus
Her friends are pleased he's finally left but she’s not free

Chorus

Bridge
You were you before he ever came along
Go back to who you are now he’s gone

Chorus


© F-M C Cossey 2011


Cheers

User avatar
mikeShort
Impressive
Impressive
Posts: 229
Joined: Fri Apr 01, 2011 11:12 am
Gender: Male
Contact:

Re: Stuff Weighs You Down

Post by mikeShort » Tue Jun 21, 2011 6:58 am

Frances-Mary-
I think the song still suffers from being about two different things. The second verse is about how "he" isn't good for her, because she's making too many compromises. Then you come back to the original point, which is that she can't let go. I wondered who "he" was; it threw me off for a bit. I think if I was listening, it would have been a problem, because I would have been thinking about that, rather than what you were singing. Maybe not. Not sure.
But I'm wondering if a better approach would be to parallel the first verse, only with objects she picked up during her relationship ... pictures, a favorite song they had, a locket he gave her (a little brainstorming should come up with a list). Then the pre-chorus comes in and says her friends are glad he's gone, only he's not. I think that would work well, and be one consistent theme. It also takes what would be a small problem for the protagonist after the first verse and makes it gain a lot of weight, so it builds nicely.
Of course, that might not be the song you're writing ... always a risk!
Gosh it's so much easier to talk about other people's songs than to see the problems in mine!
I hope this is helping!
Mike

"It's not bad. It's just not DONE."
The tall member of 2Late (http://www.2lateonline.com)

User avatar
FMstereo
Committed Musician
Committed Musician
Posts: 649
Joined: Thu Jun 10, 2010 11:45 pm
Gender: Female
Location: New Zealand
Contact:

Re: Stuff Weighs You Down

Post by FMstereo » Tue Jun 21, 2011 2:34 pm

Hi Mike

Thanks for your further comments - I appreciate all your ideas.

I'm now feeling a bit stumped by this song, but will go back and re-work it!!

Cheers

User avatar
Casey H
King of the World
King of the World
Posts: 12343
Joined: Tue Jan 27, 2004 3:22 pm
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Contact:

Re: Stuff Weighs You Down

Post by Casey H » Tue Jun 21, 2011 5:28 pm

Hi again
I think you still have too many subjects and characters in one song and it's still not cohesive whereby there is one point to the song.

I really like verse 1 and how you describe how she keeps all that stuff. What story can you come up with from that background? Does she carry around a broken heart, for example? A torch for some guy? Make HER what the song is about. Use the verses to set up what you will make a point with in the chorus.

JMHO
;) Casey

User avatar
FMstereo
Committed Musician
Committed Musician
Posts: 649
Joined: Thu Jun 10, 2010 11:45 pm
Gender: Female
Location: New Zealand
Contact:

Re: Stuff Weighs You Down

Post by FMstereo » Tue Jun 21, 2011 6:54 pm

Thanks Casey

Appreciate your continued input!

Cheers

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 0 guests