Tell me if I am wrong, but this song sucks

[ontariolightning]

This is what I came up with, probably doesn't matter but I was boredIt's FairIt's been the longest year of my lifeTwelve hour shifts an' barely scrapin' byBrother called today he's doin' alrightBut in my mind he's just rubbin' it inCause I said I'd be further than himWell I hit a dead end and he didn'tBut now the past doesn't matterIt's fair that life ain't fair Thank god I can't fix it by just sayin' a prayerIt's fairGonna make me proud of myself when I get whereI can say I'm happy, everyday I'll be laughingThat's where I want to be atSo I'm gonna fight, fight, fight right backYeah It's fair that life ain't fairFirst thing's first I'm gonna make my peaceNot gonna cry but I'll share my feelingsTo the woman I still love desperatelyI'm thinkin' about goin' back to schoolBut this time I'll follow all of their rulesAnd I will not think I am too damn coolAnd now the future mattersIt's fair that life ain't fair Thank god I can't fix it by just sayin' a prayerIt's fairGonna make me proud of myself when I get whereI can say I'm happy, everyday I'll be laughingThat's where I want to be atSo I'm gonna fight, fight, fight right backYeah It's fair that life ain't fairShould've thought this way beforeBut I was wastin' all my secondsBlamin' everybody in the worldBut I've learned my lessonIt's fair that life ain't fair Thank god I can't fix it by just sayin' a prayerIt's fairGonna make me proud of myself when I get whereI can say I'm happy, everyday I'll be laughingThat's where I want to be atSo I'm gonna fight, fight, fight right backYeah I'm gonna fight, fight, fight right backIt's fair that life ain't fair

[arthur]

Jun 17, 2009, 8:20pm, perrysmith wrote:Jun 17, 2009, 7:08pm, arthur wrote:Maybe if you wrote a hit, your song wouldn't need any analyzing Damn, dude. That there is some hilarious stuff. Did you come up with that line all by yourself?Yeah, after suffering through your constant whining. Your husband must have the Patience of Job.

[perrysmith]

Arthur said:Quote:Yeah, after suffering through your constant whining. Your husband must have the Patience of Job. Is that supposed to be a gay joke? You might want to put your shovel down. Just sayin'...

[perrysmith]

Cool, Aaron...you got a draft of a song out of this. So I gave a lot of consideration to this song we're writing about the woman who lost her husband-- "Me Again"--and, as Claire indicated, I think our rough draft verse language does not support our chorus well--and our hook of "I'm feeling like me again." Here's what I propose: Let's have the song be a conversation that she is having with her dead husband (of course, she'll be the only one speaking )--in which she is telling him about how she is starting to feel like herself again; kind of a ""Don't worry about me, I’m gonna make it" song.The first verse could be her remembering. I thought maybe a boxing reference would be cool so that her singing the “fighter” line in the chorus would really pay off (I think it is a cool line). We need the listener to picture experiences they had together and her emotion in thinking about it. We do not need to reveal that he died right off the bat. The song could start with something like this that I came up with this morning:(Verse) I'm sleeping in our bed againI used to cry but now I smile whenI think of how you used to hold me tightThat boxing glove signed by AliYou loved so much, you always told meThat no one else could fight like he could fight(Pre-Chorus/Lift)Well I'm thinkin' that he might have met his matchCuz I’m fighting through not having youAnd it’s the biggest fight of my life, but(Chorus)It's the end of the tunnel I can see the lightLike a fading flower turning back toward the skyLike a fighter down getting up on the count of nineI will survive thisI've got my second windAnd I'm feeling like me againThe second verse could first reveal that he died since the listener could be thinking he left since she does not explain that he died in the first verse or the chorus. It could go on to explain how she knows he wanted her to remember him but to move on and that she is fulfilling his wishes and picking herself up and moving on????The bridge could be a statement that she will never love like she loved him—sort of a reality check that she is not over him, but just doing what she has to do????Thoughts?

[claire]

I really like the line about the fighter in your chorus. Very fresh, very cool. That said, I wish the first section of the song didn't have all the references to Ali and fighting and fight. Think about how we wrote "The Song I Didn't Write" and how your chorus lyric stood visually independent of the verse images/lyric. I like the first 3 lines of this song but I wish I could hear more about how she's managed to get to the point of feeling like herself again. More of the memories that she can smile about and feel stronger about. Second verse could be a bit of her telling "him" about her day - but that does step on the Lee Ann Rimes "Wouldn't Be That Way" song where she's talking to his gravestone about how she's trying to get her life back in order.Bottom line - I like the first 3 lines and I really like the chorus but the stuff about the boxing and Ali isn't getting me emotionally involved with her and her journey towards feeling like herself again.Keep it up!Claire

[matthoggard]

Ahh the ol "killed by the second verse" setup.Ok writing about dead people is somewhat of a specialty.How do we keep this really uplifting and positive?Got to have the rope a hope!! I like the story and idea but we HAVE to keep it positive.

[perrysmith]

I am loving Claire's coaching on this song (she is actually co-writing...sorry claire, but we are gonna have to put your name on it, too ). She's right. That second three lines can go. Done. Trashed. We can still say something in the lift about the biggest fight of her life, which will be plenty to set up the fighter line (I am not sure we even need to set it up.) But let's focus on them, now. Let's use the second half of that verse to really let people into what they had. C'mon. Bring on the ideas!!-Perry

[matthoggard]

verse: 2?Im lying in this bed awakeMy eyes are shut but I see your faceThe dimple on your chin made me smileYou visit me here every night To remind me that Im still aliveThough God took you I still must live my lifeIDK? Too poetic? Too much metaphor? Does it get the idea of him dying across?

[perrysmith]

We're really only going to have two verses and a bridge to tell this story. We need to give a lot more than we are giving. The first half of your suggested second verse really tells little more than what was told in the first three lines of the first verse. The second half gives me a creepy vibe the "visit" part...but I like the third line of that part.Every single line is hugely important and we must move the listener as mucha s possibe and bring them into this woman's life. The second verse needs to do something a bit different than the first verse. We still need some really good imagery for the second half of the first verse, but then maybe in the second verse we introduce their kid? And we use clever lines to show that she has to play the role of dad now. ...like how she plays catch with the kid and shows him how to mow the lawn but how she can't replace what he meant to the kid....or something?

[matthoggard]

Isnt it already creepy that shes talkin to a dead guy? I just tried to keep the story in the present and situational. Just an idea.