A Toxic Fixation was" A Bad Situation"

[darlenemclyrics]

I made some more changes,,I added a dif last line to chorus,,let me know what ya think
Thanks Darlene

©A Toxic Fixation©.Darlene C. McCoy

I'm not living in reality
But I'm hung up on you
I know I shouldn't want it
But it's what I wanna do

Have I lost my mind
Or is it playing tricks
I'm living in a dream
But nothing seems to fit

I have a toxic fixation
That I can’t get past
Such a bad situation n
I need to run fast
It causes me frustration
Cause it’s just not ment to be
I have a toxic fixation
Toxic fixation
and it's poisonin me

I can't blame it on fear
Or being by myself
I'm surrounded by those
who care just like anyone else

So many times I ask myself
Am I better off without you
But it keeps coming down to
This is what I wanna do

I have a toxic fixation
That I can’t get past
Such a bad situation n
I need to run fast
It causes me frustration
Cause it’s just not ment to be
I have a toxic fixation
Toxic fixation
and it's poisonin me

[Casey H]

I made some more changes,,I added a dif last line to chorus,,let me know what ya think
Thanks Darlene

©A Toxic Fixation©.Darlene C. McCoy

I'm not living in reality
But I'm hung up on you
I know I shouldn't want it
But it's what I wanna do

Have I lost my mind
Or is it playing tricks
I'm living in a dream
But nothing seems to fit

I have a toxic fixation
That I can’t get past
Such a bad situation n
I need to run fast
It causes me frustration
Cause it’s just not ment to be
I have a toxic fixation
Toxic fixation
and it's poisonin me

I can't blame it on fear
Or being by myself
I'm surrounded by those
who care just like anyone else

So many times I ask myself
Am I better off without you
But it keeps coming down to
This is what I wanna do

I have a toxic fixation
That I can’t get past
Such a bad situation n
I need to run fast
It causes me frustration
Cause it’s just not ment to be
I have a toxic fixation
Toxic fixation
and it's poisonin me

Darlene
This is MUCH better. It has a nice central focus in the hook now. I think that was missing before.

"But it's what I wanna do / This is what I wanna do" doesn't work for me because you never say what you want to do, at least not in a way that follows logically from that phrase. If you were having a regular conversation and said, "This is what I'm gonna do", I would expect that would follow with "I'm going to [blah, blah, blah]"... So I think those "gonna do" lines probably should be changed to something else about how you can't leave the guy.

Best of luck!
Casey

[Nick2012]

A little after I posted my last reply I looked up "toxic" in my Thesaurus. I found "poisonous" which made me think of "antidote". I looked up "antidote" and found "remedy". At first I thought the word "remedy" would be a great word to use in the context of a toxic fixation. So I thought of the last lines going something like...

It causes me frustration
Cause it’s just not meant to be
I have a toxic fixation
You're the only remedy

Then the more I looked at it, the less enthused I got. Not sure why. Maybe the "I'm sick with love and you're the cure" premise is also becoming cliché. After dropping it for a while and then revisiting though, I'm kinda liking it again. But I'm very mid-brained (a curse!) and it's hard for me to stay 100% satisfied in matters such as these. Lyrics will trip my trigger on an emotional level at first, but then I'll start to over-think it on a logical level and think, "That line doesn't make any sense."

Anyway, I figured I'd share this and maybe it'll put your thoughts in a different direction and you'll come up with something even better.

[EDIT]:
Because your last response to me was at the bottom of page 1, I didn't notice there was a page 2. So when I wrote this I had not seen your re-write. I like what you've done. Your new last line works great. I'll still leave this post up though. If for nothing else, it will remind folks to use a Thesaurus.

[darlenemclyrics]

I like both endings of chorus...one is saying it's not good for me ,,,the other is saying you are my fix,,my remedy
I thought the first verse describes ,,the fact she wants to be with him

I 'm hung up on you
It's what I want to do
-----------------------
I'm not living in reality
But I'm hung up on you
I know I shouldn't want it
But it's what I wanna do

Thanks so much for you help and critiques

[simonsays]

©A Toxic Fixation©.Darlene C. McCoy

I'm not living in reality
But I'm hung up on you
I know I shouldn't want it
But it's what I wanna do

Have I lost my mind
Or is it playing tricks
I'm living in a dream
But nothing seems to fit

I have a toxic fixation
That I can’t get past
Such a bad situation n
I need to run fast
It causes me frustration
Cause it’s just not ment to be
I have a toxic fixation
Toxic fixation
and it's poisonin me

I can't blame it on fear
Or being by myself
I'm surrounded by those
who care just like anyone else

So many times I ask myself
Am I better off without you
But it keeps coming down to
This is what I wanna do

I have a toxic fixation
That I can’t get past
Such a bad situation n
I need to run fast
It causes me frustration
Cause it’s just not ment to be
I have a toxic fixation
Toxic fixation
and it's poisonin me

Hi Darlene,
Warning: I tend to give... a bit of a...well... Simon Cowel type of crit (ie, telling it as I see it, but still trying to be respectful. O.K., not sure Cowel ever did the latter . )

O.k., hold on tight, here we go...
I agree with an earlier critiquer-- too many it's. But I would add 'buts' to that list.
What I loved... was the concept and the title; A TOXIC FIXATION.
I'm sorry... but much of the rest, read like cliche city (for me). The structure of the song and the rymes were ok, but nothing made me want to stand up and say-- YAYYY. Me being such a big scifi/fantasy fan, I tend to go for the WOWWW.( alliteration, and ellipses too, got to love them ellipses)

I really think you can dig much deeper here. (ie, more visuals and unique/surprising word choices)
Also, I think mixing metaphors can weaken a good chorus. (ie, toxic+running)( I'd suggest building yourself some detailed word,ryme,and/or concept pallettes to work with--using your TOXIC metaphor)

Some conceptual pallette ideas for 'TOXIC": systemic,endemic,paramedic,etc...

Addin' Poisin' was a good step in the TOXIC vaccinity (IMHO)... but you would need many more such leaps,to make this jump out (at me).

In your chorus, 'I have a' (might be) condensed to 'this'.
Have you considered changing your ryme scheme in your chorus,from alternating to sequential, to change things up and make your chorus stand out more from your verses?

For example;

this toxic fixation
it's (such?) a sick sitution


Following the TOXIC METAPHOR, 'can't move on'... (might become) 'can't move'... (might become) 'paralyzed?'

For example;

this toxic fixation
it's such a, sick situation
i'm paralyzed
why can't I move on? [Here, 'move', relates to the TOXIC metaphor]
(... ) it's wrong

1st verse sample--addin' in some difference nouns:

I'm not, livin' in (reason)
(guess) i'm, hung up on (the blues)
I know, I shouldn't want (him)
but (he's), what I want to do [too sexgestive?]

You give no explanation, that I can see, to what the TOXIC SITUATION actually is. The 'CAUSE' line in your chorus seems (to me) to be the natuaral place to put this. Here are some suggestions:
1.) cause (I found out he's married)
2.) cause (he's way too young for me)
3.) cause (I'm really freaky?)
4.) cause (something tangible please!!!)

I Hope I mused, or at the very least, amused, you
Sincerely,your snorring fan, Steve

[darlenemclyrics]

I worked this lyric a little more with some new words
Let me know what you think

©A Toxic Fixation©.Darlene C. McCoy

I'm not living in reality
Being hung up on you
I know I shouldn't want you
But it's what I want to do

I know I've lost my mind
Cause it's playing tricks
I'm living in a dream
But nothing seems to fit

I have a toxic fixation n
It's burning through my skin
All the characteristics
of the original sin
It causes me frustration
That I can’t get past
Such a bad situation n
I need to run fast
I have a toxic fixation
Toxic fixation
and it's poisonin me

I can't blame it on fear
Of being by myself
I'm surrounded by those
who care just like anyone else

So many times I ask myself
Should I just let you be
The only answer I give
Is just a sanity plea


I have a toxic fixation n
It's burning through my skin
All the characteristics
of the original sin
It causes me frustration
That I can’t get past
Such a bad situation n
I need to run fast
I have a toxic fixation
Toxic fixation
and it's poisonin me

[Nick2012]

Nice job Darlene. I think this flows much better now. I really like that last verse in the second set of verses.

Nick

[darlenemclyrics]

Thanks so much Guys,,You all have been helpful in way or another..I appreciate all of your input..
I haven't been on here very much ,,So I am not sure how it works,,I am looking for collaboration for many lyrics,I have few ruff demos on my jamwave ,,some need a better direction, more up to date,

www.jamwave.com/darlenemccoy

[simonsays]

Hi Darlene,
As I said with Ocean, please feel free to use anything (or nothing) that I contribute.

Ok., I see that you added, "... burning through my skin." (which does fit your TOXIC METAPHOR)(KUDOS)
However, I also see that you added an additional metaphor. (ie, a religious one--'ORIGINAL SIN') That makes at least 3 mixed metaphors. (by my count)... Which tends to water down any TOXIC FIXATION I might have with this.

Ok, Cliche check time:
I see you haven't cleared (up?/out?) some of your more cliche phrases.
ie;

LIVING IN REALITY
HUNG UP ON YOU
LIVING IN A DREAM
LOST MY MIND

[these struck me as your most (agregious?) (Damn, where's that spelling check when you need it!) examples of violations of originality]

So... another suggested substitution.

"I know (i've lost) my mind."
might become...
"I know my mind's (DELIRIOUS)"

(pluses-- 'DELIRIOUS' is 'TOXIC' (or at least SICK), and it rhymes with the next line's TRICK)

(V2)(L1&2): (FEAR) is NON-TOXIC... and a bit general.
I suggest:

"I can't blame it on (MY PHYCHOSIS)" [spelling check...help!]
"Or being all by myself"

Also, these 2 lines seem logically inconsistent. (to me):

"I'm living in a dream"
"(but?) nothing seems to fit"

(dreams are all about free association... so nothing fitting... is kinda the natural state there!)
I suggest substituting (AND) for (BUT).

Sincerely, Steve

[mikeShort]

Now that I'm back from what some would call vacation (I would argue visiting family is something different), I come late to the party. But there's something ins the first verse that's been there from the beginning and bothers me:

I know I shouldn't want you
But it's what I want to do

"Want" gets repeated, which I think weakens it. But it's not that strong to begin with. Wouldn't a more urgent word work better in the fourth line of the verse? Besides, you "want" a toxic situation? That's not working for me.

Steve, Firefox has a spell checker!