Alt-Pop/Rock for Twilight-type Soundtrack

[tommyjamz]

Hi guys,Just finished up a new song that was inspired by all the buzz the Twilight series of books/movies has created lately... You know the new crack for tweens... I couldn't help but direct this lyrically towards an upcoming sequel soundtrack as I think the vibe of the music came out so dark yet still commercially accessible as a pop song. The song is called "Just A Memory" and is on my hosting page at: www.taxi.com/jrgmusicproLyrics at bottom of this post.My thoughts personally, are that the elements are strong, but the lyrics might not be cohesive enough throughout the chorus to sell the story, and I know that's very important for pop, though maybe not so much for alt-rock. Either way, my aim is to make this the strongest (songwise, and that means lyrics) it can possibly be for when the right listing shows up.What do you think:Does this hook carry the song?From your experience genre-wise, would this be worth submitting for a pop-rock listing or would it need to remain in alt-rock listings to be a contender?Just A MemoryVerse 1:She is awake now as his hand caresses her faceTorn by a family vow because she's got to throw her lover awayShe's sleeping for longer now, there's no sun on her porcelain faceAnd she goes wandering down the wonderful dead end roadCHORUS:She's in a free fall from another worldAnd he's on his way to save her lifeBut she doesn't want to wake up in the arms of a tragedyWith a hole in her heart saying that's just a memoryVerse 2:They say he doesn't belong but they've never felt a love like thisAnd his grip is so strong, pulling her out of her emptinessBut is it destined for failure?Sometimes she fears their love is just a wandering down a wonderful dead end roadCHORUSBridge:(They've) been waiting all their lives to find a love of this kindAnd now their tip-toeing across a minefield just to keep it aliveAlthough nobody likes to see their love survive,She knows he'd gladly die to keep it aliveShe is all he's living for.CHORUS X2

[eokamura]

Hey Tommy - Wow, good tune, nice production, solid! I think it's a little "hard" for a pop listing, I'd shoot for alt-rock. The lyrics work for me but the hook to me is when you say "free fall" more than "just a memory." That's what runs through my head after a listen. eo.

[tommyjamz]

Thanks Eo,I agree about the genre fit. Thats funny, because we went back and forth on the title, and although I seem to lean more towards "Just A Memory" because I think thats the "cooler" name, most people that have heard it call it "Free Fall".It'll probably end up titled "Free Fall". The people have spoken. Thanks again for your feedback! Feel free to nudge me when you want another set of ears on something you've posted. Just PM me.

[garrettmiller]

Oct 4, 2009, 5:30pm, eokamura wrote:Hey Tommy - Wow, good tune, nice production, solid! I think it's a little "hard" for a pop listing, I'd shoot for alt-rock. The lyrics work for me but the hook to me is when you say "free fall" more than "just a memory." That's what runs through my head after a listen. eo.+1 on "free fall" I like the little break at 3:09. Great production. Catchy song, and under 4 min. even better.

[watksco]

Hey Tommy,You have the makings of a good track here. IMO the lyric in general needs some development. I agree that the main melodic hook occurs on Free Fall - but IMO the chorus needs more focus - it's not clear what you're getting at. Might pay to step back and write down some thoughts on what the main point is.Keep tweakingCheers,Scott

[tommyjamz]

Thanks djee em!Free Fall it is.Scott, Thank you for saying that. I guess what you said about the chorus lyrics is what my gut feeling is as well, and thats why I wanted to post the song here. You've reaffirmed that the hook should be stronger lyrically, to solidify what the story is about, which is really just a "star-crossed lovers" sort of story, but the chorus doesn't really build anything more story-wise, and therefore isn't really doing it's job as a hook.

[scounter72]

Hi Tommy. I think you have a very good song in there. Impressive and authentic production and recording, as always. I agree that the chorus isn't quite there, but it is certainly close. I'm not great at choruses, don't sing, and rarely write words, so I can't offer much more value on that, I'm afraid.However, there are two versions of this song for you to consider. It strikes me that you have tried to cover both the pop and alt rock angle in one version. The riff you have in the chorus (and the one that actually starts the song) is too good to be buried like that. IMO there is a much heavier, darker version in there, and that version should you choose to try it would give more light and shade, I reckon.

[tommyjamz]

Scounter72,Man, GOOD input. This was exactly the struggle I was facing in the lyrics through the whole writing phase. My guitarist/co-writer on that track has a tendency for the darker voicings and when he brought me the guitar parts, I felt so moved by the depth in the chords and changes. It conjured up feelings of tragedy, darkness, and sadness, but I think I was struggling lyrically to turn sadness into bitter-sweet. I tried to use the vocals and production to give it cross-over appeal and stay relevant enough to the modern pop/rock world. I dream big with the whole Twilight-sequel soundtrack mentality. And I definitely agree the track fits more on the alt-rock side of the fence. As far as the second heavier version of the song, how much would you change?Could you clarify (and thank you for the compliments by the way), whether you're saying you feel like the heavy riff's potential is buried by the singer's voice being more of a pop voice, the vocal production, the words themselves, the rest of the music, or a combination?I love the valuable opinions I get from fellow writers here. This forum ROCKS!

[billg]

hey Tommy, for some reason when I click on the link to your hosting site I get re0directed to the main Taxi homepage. Got another link?

[tommyjamz]

Weird, it still works for me. In any event. The address that's there is correct. Its:http://www.taxi.com/jrgmusicpro and you can either click that one or copy and paste it into your browser.If I have to, I can put the song up on my website when I get home tonight and PM you the link.