Joke of the Minute...

[drew]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to every one's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what yourmonkey just did?"The guy says "No, what?""He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!""Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.The bartender says "That's disgusting, did you see what your monkey did now?""No, what?" replies the guy."Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender."Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy."He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

[bobc]

Sad News:With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started. Shut up. You know it's funny. Bob

[edteja]

THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR ON A MUSICIAN'S TOUR BUS...Shouldn't we go back for the drummer?Oh no you don't! It's my turn to clean the bathroom.Checkmate!Go roll 'em down the aisle all you want. They're only cymbals.So, I just walked her home, kissed her goodnight, and came back to the bus.No, the monitor mix was perfect. I just screwed up.Twenty percent? Our manager should get at least 30 percent!!Why is there porno in the VCR?Can you believe all the money we're getting?Boy, I can't wait till we get to Omaha!No thanks, I don't want another beer.Ladies, I need to see some proof of age please.

[og]

Two little boys were sitting on the curb across the street from a whorehouse. They watched as men would knock on the door, the madam would answer, take their money, and let them in. Later, the men would come out smiling. One boy says, "I got some money. I'm gonna see what's goin' on over there." He goes to the door and knocks. The madam opens the door and snaps, "What do you want?" "I want what them men been gettin'." The woman grabs him by the ear, hauls him inside, beats the hell out of him, and throws him back out onto the sidewalk. He pulls himself up and staggers back across the street. "What happened?" asked the other boy. "Well, I'm glad I only had a quarter--don't think I coulda took a dollar's worth!"

[nomiyah]

Did you hear about the fat woman who thought she was anorexic because every time she looked in a mirror she saw a fat person?

[drew]

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer." The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

[hookstownbrown]

Hehheh... hehhehheh... HAAA!That was dastardly, bud!Hehheh...

[drew]

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She waswearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. Hewas wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked throughthe ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverbackgorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on thebars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted andpounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited atthe pretty lady in the pink dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this wasfunny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some moreby puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played alongand the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that wouldwake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. "Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him,"he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he starteddoing flips. Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door tothe cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage doorshut. "Now. Tell HIM you have a headache."

[dannyburns2454]

George Bush was getting his daily briefing in the war room, when the Joint Chiefs told him: "Mr. President, last night 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed in overnight fighting in Iraq". Bush put his head in his hands and stayed like that for 5 minutes. They had never seen this response from him before. He finally canceled the briefing and before he left, he pulled the Chairman aside and said, "General, just exactly how many is 2 bazillion?"

[drew]

Barbara Walters of 20/20 did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands. She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From Ms. Walters's vantage point, despite the overthrow of theoppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk evenfurther back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain theold custom. Ms.Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried sodesperately to change?" The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and withouthesitation, said, "Land mines." MORAL OF THE STORY: BEHIND EVERY MAN IS A SMART WOMAN!