Joke of the Minute...

[davekershaw]

Oct 8, 2009, 2:24pm, keyman19 wrote:A Jazz Chord to Say I Love You. A Jazz Chord to Say How Much I Care".

[davekershaw]

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!! Glasgow cop says, ' Driving licence, please.' London Lawyer says, 'What for?' Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.' London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.' Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Driving licence, please.' London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?' Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Driving licence, please!' London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my driving licence and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.' Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.' The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the tripe out of the lawyer and says 'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'

[ibanez468]

That was a good one Dave!

[bete]

Being new to Forum, I've been checking it all out. I realized I got so involved in laughing at all the jokes, I forgot to look at who sent them. If we meet at Road Rally, You'll have to introduce yourselves as "I told the one about...."Bette

[king1042]

In the late sixties, Michael Caine has cracked Hollywood and treats himself to a nice expensive pad in Beverly Hills. Pleased with his sucess, he throws a big house warming party. Everyone is there: Sinatra and the Rat Pack fly in from Vegas, The Beatles are manning the barbeque while Sophia Loren and Mick Jagger are running the bar and Jim Morrison and his band are holding court by the pool.Round about midnight Jim starts getting tired, he's been on the road every night for three months and just has an overwhelming desire to go home and get some sleep. The rest of the guys feel pretty much the same so they decide to leave....Michael Caine spots them and runs over: "JIm, Boys, where are going the parties just gettin' started?" he cries. Jim explains but Michael is dismayed. Then he has an idea."Hey, see that girl over there?" he says, pointing to Britt Eckland, "what about if I asked her to take you all to the bedroom for a bit of hanky panky?" The guys look at each other and shrug, "Hell, it is Britt" says Robbie Kreiger , so Michael Caine has a word in Britts ear and they all troop off to a bedroom for some fun.Twenty minutes into the session Ringo walks in and finds Britt on her knees and Jim with his leather trousers round his ankles. "Wow man" says Ringo, "can I join in?" so Britt spins round and goes to work on Ringo's zipper. Just then Michael looks in to see how things are going and is shocked..."Get up you tart!" he shouts, "what did I tell you? - (wait for it) You're only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off!"

[davekershaw]

[jjktunes]

How many Nashville producers does it take to make a record ?I don't know, what do you think ?All of you that believe in telekinesis raise my hand.Steven Wright

[mojobone]

Oct 22, 2009, 5:48am, king1042 wrote:In the late sixties, Michael Caine has cracked Hollywood and treats himself to a nice expensive pad in Beverly Hills. Pleased with his sucess, he throws a big house warming party. Everyone is there: Sinatra and the Rat Pack fly in from Vegas, The Beatles are manning the barbeque while Sophia Loren and Mick Jagger are running the bar and Jim Morrison and his band are holding court by the pool.Round about midnight Jim starts getting tired, he's been on the road every night for three months and just has an overwhelming desire to go home and get some sleep. The rest of the guys feel pretty much the same so they decide to leave....Michael Caine spots them and runs over: "JIm, Boys, where are going the parties just gettin' started?" he cries. Jim explains but Michael is dismayed. Then he has an idea."Hey, see that girl over there?" he says, pointing to Britt Eckland, "what about if I asked her to take you all to the bedroom for a bit of hanky panky?" The guys look at each other and shrug, "Hell, it is Britt" says Robbie Kreiger , so Michael Caine has a word in Britts ear and they all troop off to a bedroom for some fun.Twenty minutes into the session Ringo walks in and finds Britt on her knees and Jim with his leather trousers round his ankles. "Wow man" says Ringo, "can I join in?" so Britt spins round and goes to work on Ringo's zipper. Just then Michael looks in to see how things are going and is shocked..."Get up you tart!" he shouts, "what did I tell you? - (wait for it) You're only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off!" Ah, that puts me in mind of the one about Mick Jagger at the Playboy Mansion in the seventies; in the midst of the sort of party you'd expect at the Playboy Mansion in the seventies, Mick's looking for the the loo, opens a door without knocking and is gobsmacked to find Hef himself grunting and struggling while attempting to sodomize actor Dennis Weaver. Do you know what he said? He said, "Hey, (Hey) Hugh! (Hugh!) Get off of McCloud!"

[Casey H]

FishingDave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Dave headed home frustrated. The following week when Dave's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Dave. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing. "How did you talk your missus into letting you go Dave?" "I didn't have to," Dave replied. Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing. Then the ol' lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'." "When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful, see through negligee and she said, ' Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want'… So, Here I am!" PS I am not suggesting any guy use this method if their wife is giving them a hard time about going to the rally.

[ibanez468guit]

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have
turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the
children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early
dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can
leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart
and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the
questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these b*tches would
keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"