Joke of the Minute...

[ernstinen]

Quote:When I was born the doctor took one look at my face .... turned me over and said. Look ... twins! -- Rodney DangerfieldUgly --- talk about ugly! When I was born, the doctor took one look at my face and slapped my mother! ---Rodney DangerfieldErn

[drew]

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a sarcophagus containing a mummy.After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigiousnatural-history museum."I've just discovered the 3,000 year-old mummy of a man whodied of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.The curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist."You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death.How in the world did you know?""Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath.'"

[drew]

As some think the story goes, Adam was hanging around thegarden of Eden one day feeling very lonely. So God asked him,"What's wrong with you?"Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and thatit would be a woman."This pretty lady will gather food for you and she will cookfor you. She will always agree with every decision you makeand she will not nag you and will always be the first toadmit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She willpraise you! She will bear your children and never ask you toget up in the middle of the night to take care of them. And,she will never have a headache."Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"God replied, "An arm and a leg."Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

[mazz]

What did the Dead Head say when the drugs wore off?Man, this music sucks!!Sorry if this was posted before but I couldn't resist.

[ernstinen]

Quote:What did the Dead Head say when the drugs wore off?Man, this music sucks!!Sorry if this was posted before but I couldn't resist. Ha! I actually liked the Dead instrumentally, so my version of this golden oldie is:What did the Dead Head say when the drugs wore off?Man, these guys sing like shit!!Ern

[drew]

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have some good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, "Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. Howsoon can I go home?"

[sgs4u]

hey a buddy just sent me thisEaster According To The Kids In Our Secular SocietyTragically, three eight year olds died the day before Good Friday and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that, given their timing, they had to tell him what Easter represented before they could enter the Kingdom.The first one, an American, said "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and sent him back to purgatory.The second, a Brit, said "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and sent her back to purgatory.The third, a Canadian, said he knew what Easter was, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me."He said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ..."St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."The eight year old continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey."St. Peter fainted.

[jeffe]

An Englishman, German and a Japanese businessmen were in a meeting, when a mobile phone went off.The German said "Excuse me, I just have to take this call". With that, he pulled a pen out of his pocket and put it to his ear and started talking. The Englishman turned to the Japanese guy and said "That's what you call technology!"A little while later, another mobile phone started ringing. The Japanese guy said "Excuse me, I just have to take this call". With that he pulled a gold tooth from his mouth, put it to his ear, and started talking". The German turned to the English guy and said "Now THAT's what you call technology".Later on in the meeting the Englishman lifted his backside from the seat and started to let out loud noises from his rear. He looked at the others and said "Sorry about this, I've got a fax coming through!"

[drew]

---------------------------------~THE GUITAR PLAYER CHILI TASTER~Notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was playing a gig in Texas:Recently, I was honored to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon right after doing 5 sets of hardcore country rock with 3 encores when the call came. The other two judges (Native Texans) assured me that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, about the same as usual. And besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:Chili #1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster ChiliJUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.FRANK: Holy smokes, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy. Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner ChiliJUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn ChiliJUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. Chili # 4: Bubba's Black MagicJUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip RemoverJUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian VarietyJUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation ChiliJUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress.FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili that slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good! At the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful, and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint ChiliJUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.FRANK: (Editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

[drew]

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked pretty good for a 50-year-old. In fact, She wasn't bad at all.We drank a bit, and laughed and talked a lot and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double."What's that?" I asked."It’s a mother and daughter threesome," she said.I said, "No."I thought "She's about my age and my kids are mid twenty's, she may have a hot daughter. We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.I went back to her place.She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: "Mom, are you still awake?"