Disconnection: 2nd re-write AAA/Alt-rock

[heinsite]

hell pat--maybe you CAN sing this!!! damn close, maybe just a touch more reverb? maybe a bit of delay--questiion, do you do what i sometimes do (and not always the best way--) oh a recording, do you do it in pieces? or like me, from start to finish, which can really strain the vox box man....just curious....and again, before i heard this, i was and still might explore davy's suggestion up there of a key drop a bit....but again, the verse might than be too low for you, as i'm still hearing in this one, a need for the verse to be more up front....and only other comment is the intake breath thing--that dude from the killers get's away with murder....but sometimes we can't...LOL...i understand the S/S quest for you, and if that's where you are, hell, go for it--but you've got to be able to sing it well every time of course"live". but again, great song IMHO, and this one is DAMN CLOSE to being there. maybe try trying a few of them tricks, as i mentioned to help the vocal. oh, have you thought about a harmony (not a higher one...LOL) to even lift and for a bit more interest your chorus--especially after the first one? just an off the top of my bald head idea...very nice job,all the bestwarren

[partyofone]

hey warren,thanks for the 2nd listen...Quote:hell pat--questiion, do you do what i sometimes do (and not always the best way--) oh a recording, do you do it in pieces? or like me, from start to finish, which can really strain the vox box man....just curious.... When I'm being lazy I usually do full takes and then go back and overdub any really bad parts and then copy/paste the best chorus.When I'm want to get THE vocal take, I'll do several passes and comp the best together, although this sometimes lead to a disjointed sound.Quote:and again, before i heard this, i was and still might explore davy's suggestion up there of a key drop a bit....but again, the verse might than be too low for you, as i'm still hearing in this one, a need for the verse to be more up frontyeah, that's my main concern.. with how low the verse is...Quote:....and only other comment is the intake breath thing--that dude from the killers get's away with murder....but sometimes we can't...LOL...ha, ha oops!Quote:--but you've got to be able to sing it well every time of course"live". man, ain't that the TRUTH! I've REALLY struggled with how pull things off live.Quote:oh, have you thought about a harmony (not a higher one...LOL) to even lift and for a bit more interest your chorus--especially after the first one? Great point.. it did cross my mind, but then I got lazy ... However for a full production I think that would be a good idea!So in summary I'm getting the feeling based of yours and Dave's opinions that the song may be there, but I just need a winning production and vocal at this point.Thanks!

[heinsite]

good summary! LOL...sometimes i be too long winded....wh

[cjdenecia]

Dec 5, 2008, 2:35am, partyofone wrote:Hello,This is a song that I got 7's and 8's on in my initial critiques and they suggested some tweaks. I rewrote and brought it to the Road Rally where my mentor said the chorus still didn't have enough lift. So this is my 2nd re-write and I'd like to hear from the group before I re-record the whole thing.http://www.taximusic.com/artist/patrickbakerlisted as "NEW Disconnection" In particular I'm concerned with:1) Lift/impact for chorus2) Overall flow (i.e. is the verse too long, etc)3) Strength of melodyThanks and I apologize in advance for some bad notes and sloppy playing! ;-)I assume the person who was mentoring you wanted you to find the goo goo dolls side of yourself?of course, you mixed some bush in with that ... and I ain't talking about the evergreen or the rude thing you're thinking of ... not that THAT is rude ...anyway ... the lift certainly does. maybe too much but that's something that might could be handled with the next rendition with a band, but as it stands now, that's a hell of a jump in vocals. and it lends an answer to the the second query of flow ...it lacks some cus of that huge leap you put in from verse to chorus. it may require a prechorus to take it to the chorus ... graphically, the arrangement reads like a bunch of small buildings next to very tall buildings next to short stumpy buildings - to tall etc etc etc ... therefore the flow is quite choppy ... some really good ideas here patrick but they are underdeveloped.melodies are good ... but again, tho I dig the two songs in one approach, this one is not ready for studio time .. you have much to do ... good luck on finding the prechorus the song needs.

[partyofone]

CJ,Sounds like I may have cut my nose off to spite my face here... ha haI had a p/c which used to build nicely but after my mentor session she said I took too long to get to the chorus at 1:15 so I thought it better to "not bore us, get to the chorus". Maybe I went too far in the OTHER direction.Quote:I assume the person who was mentoring you wanted you to find the goo goo dolls side of yourself?ha ha.. could be!Well shoot.. maybe I need to reconsider that pre-chorus bit now. I'll thunk on it some then. Thanks for the feedback.

[heinsite]

pat--now that is another very good idea about the prechorus from cj--but again, that 15 seconds for raydeeoh can be a pain in the butt...figure it out to get to the chorus imho in just around 1:00--that is unless you have a KILLER prechorus, then you just got a killer song and screw the mentor's suggestion, you've really "fixed" most of it already,no?the best,wh

[cjdenecia]

I agree about getting to the chorus within the first minute mark ... wrote one last year where we got it in before 40 sec ... but it does require pretty short concise verses. and a prechorus needn't be 15 seconds, especially if it's the last measure of 4 in a verse ... which isn't easy but if you get it, you know it.

[ideascapes]

Patrick,Didn't get to hear your original post when I was on the road, so I'm listening only to the update now. I hear what people are saying about the big melodic leap in the chorus. I think there's plenty of precedent for this in modern music, especially artists who have big vocal ranges.Another option instead of a pre-chorus would be to have the instruments come to a stop before the chorus. That could give you the transition you need.Even if you don't decide to sing this yourself, you have enough vocal chops to demo it for sure. That is, your voice--by being expressive and having a wide range--help you both as a songwriter (in realizing what you hear in your head) and to pitch the song.Vince

[ideascapes]

Oh BTW, I think if you want comments on the lyric, better to post the text!V>

[partyofone]

Warren and CJ, yeah maybe I can work my pre-chorus back in and make it shorter like CJ said. Economy is something I'm working on...Vince, thanks for lisetning and I like the idea of stopping like you said.Quote:Oh BTW, I think if you want comments on the lyric, better to post the text..oops! I uploaded the lyrics the Taxi page but just now realized you guys CAN'T pull them up.Disconnectionverse/There's no need to try and hide itI know I'm not aliveI'm a ghost With skin and boneThat doesn't mean I feelThat doesn't make me realI should know by nowThat nothing is real (anymore)chorus/There's no words to sayHow I feel inside, butDisconnectionThere's no action toReconcile this life ofDisconnectionverse/It's not accidentalNot coincidentalThat I can't draw the linesIt's the way things workIt's the reason that it hurtsTo be alive For those interested.. here are the 3 different versions that have been evolving over the past several months. The first 2 differ ONLY in chorus Both contain the p/c I used to have.Version 1: http://pleasurejunkie.net/disconnection1.mp3 - The Taxi screener said there wasn't enough contrast in this one.Version 2: http://pleasurejunkie.net/disconnection2.mp3 - This chorus I like better, but mentor said took too long to get there. Plus thought maybe chorus could be bigger (he, he)Version 3 (Current): http://pleasurejunkie.net/disconnection3.mp3