Disconnection: 2nd re-write AAA/Alt-rock

[billg]

Patrick, Ver. #3 I think would be very strong with full production. right now your voice needs some seperation from the guitar in the versions (volume? eq? compression? maybe a little of all three) and with drums fills etc. that you would have in a full production the jump to the higher range in the chorus would be more effective. IMO any negatives here would for the most part be straightened out with a fleshed out production-

[cjdenecia]

ha ha ha .... I saw that .... I love poster's remorse. especially when it reads like that. and then it doesn't.ohhh and people, don't ask. she knows. I know. that's enough.

[heckxx]

Dec 7, 2008, 11:04pm, partyofone wrote:Jeff,I appreciate the honest feedback. Also, listened to your stuff. Great production, playing, and songs all around. You have some very realized songs in my opinion which I think will serve you WELL! Very nice bro!In regards to the loosneess of the rhythm, I believe there is a bit of both intended as well as unintended. I'll completely own up to some sloppy intonation also. I'm most curious about your take on the hookiness of the chorus. I've experimented with numerous melodies there and thought I had a winner, albeit probably in need of some harmonies to realize full potential. After hearing your feelings it sounds like this may need to be revaluted.How do you feel the new chorus compares to the old one on this version:http://pleasurejunkie.net/disconnection2.mp3 ?Thanks for listening.I definitely like the version 3 chorus better than the chorus(es?) I heard in version 2. The more I listen to version 3 chorus, the more I like it. What I think could be better is the pitches your singing on the "Theres no way" part. Instead of going from C# G# A, maybe do like A G# A or something..that upward pitch movement just sounds slightly awkward to me...but it could also be the instrument arrangement, and maybe it would fit better when I heard drums n all. Hope this helps!-Jeff

[partyofone]

zing, being that you're a damn good singer if you say it ain't too low I'm inclined to go with that! And good point, no, I definitely don't want to let the heart of the song get lost in shuffle of trying to maxmize it's impact.Dec 8, 2008, 1:49am, deantaylor wrote:Patrick,I like the song. I think you made it better each time. Yes, you have more lift and separation in the last version and you get to the chorus faster. Fast enough, imo. Also, your vocal is more out front in the last version .. easier to hear the words .. in the first version I couldn't hear the words.Your vocal and playing present the song well for a songwriter's demo, but to pitch to artists or film-tv, you probably need a pro demo, imo.DeanThanks, Dean. I believe you're right on a good solid demo for sure.CJ, ha, sounds like I missed a reading opportunity there...Bill... yeah you may be right about the full production there. I'm almost thinking of just recording the damn thing keeping in mind some good pointers from ya'll and also trying what Vikki mentioned on the older version just to see. Problem is that I'm sooo impatient and would rather write 5 more (probably mediocre) songs then get 1 perfect. And I agree on the vocal separation. I ALWAYS struggle to find a good space for my voice. I suspect I need a mic that flatters my voice better.And lastly, Jeff, the A, G#, A ain't a bad idea. It's definitely pretty and I appreciate the suggestion. Even though it always starts with a good song, I'm reminded even more how much arrangement, production, etc all play a part in the bigger synergy of things. .... lots to digest here and I so appreciate everybody's perspective. I've lived in my personal musical vacuum for wayyyy too long!

[partyofone]

Did I mention rewriting is too much work and sux?! Who wants quality when you can have quantity right? No? oh...

[cjdenecia]

Quote:CJ, ha, sounds like I missed a reading opportunity there...waren't nuttin much ... just some spoiled wine ... btw - I absolutely agree with zing too man, the low melody of the verses does bring out some intimacy that you can't afford to lose in this song - so don't ....and I know what you're saying about having studied the SLS vocal lessons ... and I've done some reading on it myself ... but sometimes, it's just rudimentary things ... and again, pardon me if I come across as thinking I know ... cus the only thing I know about teaching vocals is what I learned from my teacher but ...I don't need to see you to hear what's going on .... in your lower register, you "think" you should be able to just coast thru it. and so you aren't putting to use what you know when you sing in your higher range. think again, it frequently takes more concentration and focus to be sure you dot your t's and cross your i's while singing low. all the same rules apply down low.don't get overconfident on those low notes. same open pipes, same breath control, same exit level pathway ... ohhh and I agree with hummin' on the rounded mouth but to be sure, it's always the lower jaw that makes that happen. it drops to accomplish things. the upper area of the mouth should never rise and fall. no matter the vowel and no matter the note. which might have been what she was trying to say in latin. I could tell ya about the mash potato vocal exercises but then zing would go into a strop.heh.

[heinsite]

yep,just as billg said, and i did waaaayyyyy up there, PRODUCTION should fix the minor stuff that now needs tweeking...all the best,wh

[partyofone]

CJ, I'm definitely gonna try to make that low verse work for sure and I see what you mean on coasting through it. btw, what is a "strop"? Warren, yeah maybe I took the long way around to arrive at the fact that I need to fully produce this puppy eh? Thanks again Warren, CJ, and everybody! I'll re-record and post an update.

[kimdr]

Hey Patrick. I don't write a lot of vocal songs, mostly cuz I don't have a nack for words, nor do I posses much in the way of vocal skills, but that don't stop me from singing on the demos. Like a couple others, I agree that the 3rd version has the best vocal performance, and the song's chorus came in faster. The big jump to the higher notes in the choruses really grabbed my attention. Great job on the choruses. The vocal was a bit pitchy in places in the verses, just the last word of a lyric line. I also like the 3rd version demoed acoustic style, maybe keep an acoustic version kickin around?Kim

[partyofone]

hey kim, thanks! yeah, those vocals are a bit rough but thanks for taking the time to listen and give me your thoughts! I'm going to definitely do a full production of it now!