Tell me if I am wrong, but this song sucks

[perrysmith]

nice work, Matt. Looks like you've done this list thing before I kind of like the "lost a husband to war" idea, but maybe even making it more universal while getting rid of the common "war" reference by simply talking about her having lost her husband. To avoid the criticism that we do not give enough detail, maybe the detail can be about him and about them (as opposed to about how he died) and how, since they were really "one" in the sense that they were so close, she essentially felt like she died and is now getting back up to face the world again. The chorus is her declaration to this effect.Maybe the first verse could be some details about them with the last line indicating that he is gone--so it could sound like a love story and he leaves, but the second verse could reveal that he actually passed away; which would give that fresh coloring of the chorus and give the little emotional surprise to the listener. "Wow, I thought he had just left her, but damn that sucks, he died"...the second chorus could be appreciated much more because of the new information.Just thinkin' outloud. (I will note the chorus suggestion and we'll discuss those when we get there.)If no one feels strongly against the concept Matt prompted and I have elaborated on, anyone want to take a shot at listing the fresh and original details she might tell about their love in the first verse???-Perry

[mojobone]

Jun 17, 2009, 8:35am, matthoggard wrote:Is she recovering form illness?Getting over a relationship?Working too much for little pay?Joined a cult and needs deprogramming?Rape victim?Drug/alcohol addict?Abducted by aliens?Just switched political parties?Lost a husband to war?Lost a kid to an accident?Flushed her puppy down the toilet "accidentally"?Just had the sex change operation?Lost her job but realizes its a blessing in disguise. (this is what happened for me)Realises the gay realtionship wasnt a good idea?Finally started taking her meds for her bi-polarism?Here's a chorus line haveing to do with the fighter metaphor"like a punch drunk fighter dizzied by the lights"Former country songwriter, now in recovery?

[marcblack30]

Jun 17, 2009, 8:45am, perrysmith wrote:nice work, Matt. Looks like you've done this list thing before I kind of like the "lost a husband to war" idea, but maybe even making it more universal while getting rid of the common "war" reference by simply talking about her having lost her husband. To avoid the criticism that we do not give enough detail, maybe the detail can be about him and about them (as opposed to about how he died) and how, since they were really "one" in the sense that they were so close, she essentially felt like she died and is now getting back up to face the world again. The chorus is her declaration to this effect.Maybe the first verse could be some details about them with the last line indicating that he is gone--so it could sound like a love story and he leaves, but the second verse could reveal that he actually passed away; which would give that fresh coloring of the chorus and give the little emotional surprise to the listener. "Wow, I thought he had just left her, but damn that sucks, he died"...the second chorus could be appreciated much more because of the new information.Just thinkin' outloud. (I will note the chorus suggestion and we'll discuss those when we get there.)If no one feels strongly against the concept Matt prompted and I have elaborated on, anyone want to take a shot at listing the fresh and original details she might tell about their love in the first verse???-Perryvery nice Matt and Perry! I like this story.how 'bout something like this? As Matt's said: Keep it or Sweep it!It's been the longest year of my lifeTwelve hour shifts feeling barely aliveI'm diggin deeper every dayTo get outta bed and put on my facetimes they hit hard since he left methree beautiful kids and a dog named Mazyhe was my song he was my melodyhe was my best friend why did he have to leave?It's the end of the tunnel, I can see the lightLike a fading flower turning back toward the skyLike a fighter down getting up on the count of nineI will survive thisI've got my second wind andI'm feeling like me again

[eokamura]

How about the last verse re-iterating the first but with a twist? Something like:it's been the longest year of my lifestill working long hours but I'm feeling alivediggin' deep each and every dayand I get outta bed with a smile on my faceJust a thought... eo.

[perrysmith]

Nice input, guys. I am putting this all together and will post what we have with my thoughts shortly.

[matthoggard]

Jun 17, 2009, 9:13am, marcblack30 wrote:Jun 17, 2009, 8:45am, perrysmith wrote:nice work, Matt. Looks like you've done this list thing before I kind of like the "lost a husband to war" idea, but maybe even making it more universal while getting rid of the common "war" reference by simply talking about her having lost her husband. To avoid the criticism that we do not give enough detail, maybe the detail can be about him and about them (as opposed to about how he died) and how, since they were really "one" in the sense that they were so close, she essentially felt like she died and is now getting back up to face the world again. The chorus is her declaration to this effect.Maybe the first verse could be some details about them with the last line indicating that he is gone--so it could sound like a love story and he leaves, but the second verse could reveal that he actually passed away; which would give that fresh coloring of the chorus and give the little emotional surprise to the listener. "Wow, I thought he had just left her, but damn that sucks, he died"...the second chorus could be appreciated much more because of the new information.Just thinkin' outloud. (I will note the chorus suggestion and we'll discuss those when we get there.)If no one feels strongly against the concept Matt prompted and I have elaborated on, anyone want to take a shot at listing the fresh and original details she might tell about their love in the first verse???-Perryvery nice Matt and Perry! I like this story.how 'bout something like this? As Matt's said: Keep it or Sweep it!It's been the longest year of my lifeTwelve hour shifts feeling barely aliveI'm diggin deeper every dayTo get outta bed and put on my facetimes they hit hard since he left methree beautiful kids and a dog named Mazyhe was my song he was my melodyhe was my best friend why did he have to leave?It's the end of the tunnel, I can see the lightLike a fading flower turning back toward the skyLike a fighter down getting up on the count of nineI will survive thisI've got my second wind andI'm feeling like me againThats some pretty good stuff Marc. You been holdin out on me!!!

[claire]

It's been the longest year of my lifeTwelve hour shifts feeling barely aliveI'm diggin deeper every dayTo get outta bed and put on my facetimes they hit hard since he left methree beautiful kids and a dog named Mazyhe was my song he was my melodyhe was my best friend why did he have to leave?It's the end of the tunnel, I can see the lightLike a fading flower turning back toward the skyLike a fighter down getting up on the count of nineI will survive thisI've got my second wind andI'm feeling like me again -------------------------------------------------------------------Nope. Back to the country drawing board, guys.The dog named Mazy has nothing to do with the story - it's a weird name and it comes out of nowhere. Describe your beautiful kids. Don't tell me they're beautiful - show me. Talk about their hair, their eyes, their freckles. Something.what hard times? describe them. bills piling up? losing a job, losing a car? losing weight? drinking? what hard times? don't tell me that times they hit hard. show me.I don't care that he left - why did he leave? he was my song? he was my melody? sounds like w.h. auden. uh...this is country you're writing, no? if not, it's sure sounding like that's where it wants to go. keep the poetry for the chorus.write the lyric as if you're talking to a friend, not as if you're stringing disconnected thoughts together.why is it the end of the tunnel? what happened to let the singer see the light and start feeling like herself again? everything up to the chorus sounds like she's ready to jump off a bridge, not get her second wind. maybe a lift about how looking at those three beautiful children makes her realize that it's time for her to get her act together and quit being a victim.have a ball, guys!Claire

[eokamura]

Thanks for the reality check Claire, couldn't agree with you more. Kind of a buzz kill though...

[marcblack30]

Quote:Thats some pretty good stuff Marc. You been holdin out on me!!! apparently i haven't been holding back much! Claire, you don't like Mazy, how about Daisy?Dogs can be a handful!nonetheless, constructive comments, thanks for keeping us in line!

[matthoggard]

How about a dog that drives her crazy!!!Or that s.o.b is lazy