Waiting Sure Is Tough...?

[adrienne]

I just had a thought Andy. Perhaps you could make each ring was a different type rather than only the first scenario being different. If you wanted a 3rd type of ring, you could make the ring in the 3rd scenario, the church bells. So she's waiting for them to ring. Just another way to look at it.

[jwebbinspired]

That's a very good idea Adrienne. Let me mull it over.

[jwebbinspired]

Okay, here's where I am. If the story is good, I'll go make another rough demo for you guys. And I'll go from there.Thanks for that idea Adrienne.“Waiting On a Ring”By Andrew Scott WillsShe knew it was fate,Just an hour in,To our first date,I thought we were friends,She wrote her number,With ink on my hand,So I couldn’t loose her,And so I’d understand,She’s waiting on a ring,Waiting on this moment for all her life,Waiting on me,To realize what she knew the first night,I can’t stop thinking about her,And I thank God,She’s waiting on a ring,I think she knew,That I’d propose,I guess the clue,Was that long stemmed rose?I was scared to death,Of that woman I adored,But she said yes,Before my knee hit the floor,We were pronounced,Husband and wife,Ready to set out,And start our new life,The piano plays,We say our farewells,As our car pulls away,She looks at the church bells,

[mojobone]

This is a fine example of how to do a re-write, folks. I think the next-last version holds together best, other than the slightly clunky propose/rose lines you've fixed in version III, but maybe you could pick and choose the best from all three versions, they've all got something going for them. I especially like the "...before my knee hit the floor" line. Being scared to death of the woman you adore doesn't make a lot of sense, though. Yeah, I see what you're trying to say there, but don't make me work it out for myself that you're not really scared of her but afraid she'll say no, or maybe afraid you're not worthy. (probably because she's smarter than you, having known where the relationship was heading all along.)

[jwebbinspired]

Thanks mojo, I'll work on that line. I like where you're going with the feeling "unworthy," I might do something with that, it would work well there. What did you think of the last verse? Do you like the wedding bell analogy?Andy

[jwebbinspired]

I wanted to post my lasted development. I tried working "unworthy" in, but I ended up changing it to his impatience instead and I think it matched her impatience. Let me know. I am also wondering if anyone thinks this is a good match for that Steve Holy listing?“Waiting On a Ring”By Andrew Scott WillsLove hit me hard,Like a fastball,Hit out of the yard,She told me to call,She wrote her number,Right here on my hand,So I’d remember,To dial it in,She’s waiting on a ring,Waiting on the moment she’s dreamed of since the start,Waiting on me,To realize what she already knows in her heart,I can’t stop thinking about her,And I thank God,She’s waiting on a ring,I think she knew,That I’d propose,I guess the clue,Came from the rose?I took a deep breath,I couldn’t wait anymore,She said yes,Before my knee hit the floor,We were pronounced,Husband and wife,Ready to set out,And start our new life,The piano plays,We say our farewells,As we drive away,She looks at the church bells,

[momof4]

hi! okay, so first of all, i really like your first verse, especially the image of love hitting you like a fast ball. cool! however, one thing that bothered me when i read it (and i DO like your latest re-write by the way, especially the part about the 3rd ring being the church bells - kudos to Adrienne - was the fact that you're saying she's waiting by the phone for the "moment she's dreamed of since the start". it just seems like you wouldn't really know that since you're not HER - you're YOU, and you're singing from YOUR point-of-view. and even if you DO know what SHE'S feeling in her heart, it then comes across, to me, as a little egotistical. "i'm the man of her dreams" lalalala. anyhoo, don't know if i'm making sense or not, and it's only my opinion, of course. good luck!erin just a thought.

[adrienne]

Andy, I like this rewrite, but I also think you have gems in each rewrite so you could pick and choose the best parts of each and combine them.One thing I think is that you're going to have to switch up each chorus because I don't feel that each scenario will fit the same exact chorus. I think the first chorus should be something like "could it be she's waiting on me?", the 2nd time would be "I hope she's waiting on me", and the third could "I love that she's waiting on me".I'm not suggesting these words exactly, but more the sentiment of the progression should be expressed as the story develops and I think the way to do this is by slightly modifying each chorus.

[mojobone]

I like the idea of turning the meaning of the hook line with each chorus; phone ring, wedding ring, bell ring. Version four is starting to pull away from the pack, now. Maybe the story should be told third person if you're going to be omniscient, as Momo suggested. Didn't hurt "Whiskey Lullabye" none.

[jwebbinspired]

Everyone has been so helpful. I really appreciate all the input. Erin, I definitely understand what you're saying. And I kind of agree, it does sound a little he has an ego. Mojo, that's a very good point, and it would be an easy fix to go to 3d person. I am, however, hesitant to go to 3rd person (but not against it) just because of how more personal it sounds to me in 1st person.Adrienne, I think you've won me over with your chorus point. Now I am realizing that these different moments are so specific that I'm going to have to change the chorus at least slightly each time. And it could be just one line like you said. I could even bring back that "Mr. Right" line into the first chorus...?Well I plan on keeping the fastball analogy at the beginning, I'm glad you liked it Erin. I'm going to switch up the chorus, and finally I'm going to consider 3d person.Thanks guys, you rock,Andy