YOU NEVER LEAVE - Wrap Up?

[ideascapes]

Hey Andy, saw that you reposted so I gave a listen this morning. My comments are in brackets throughout.Vince------------------------------------------verse1-You hang around like an addiction,Cause every mornin' I walk in the kitchen,I still look for you,Sip some coffee and rub my sleepless eyes,And then I look down and realize,I poured a cup for you,And I hang my head,[I really like the melody, structure and rhyme scheme of the verse]-chorus-My heart just can't take it,Bad as it hurts I can't fake it,I can't outrun your memory,Fast as I drive I can't shake it,Hard as I try I can't change it,Inside I still don't believe,You're gone cause you never leave,[not entirely sure about meaning of the hook; maybe I'm too literal, but it seems you could lose some people here; I'd experiment more with the exact message you're trying to get across--I can't forget you, I can't get away from you; more specifically--and more grammatically--what is the "it" that you can't shake?][Before you hire a demo singer for this, make sure he can hit the low notes of the verse confidently, as well as the highest pitch in the chorus; depending on the singer, you might have to change the key of the song]-verse2-My truck was spotless no dust on the dash,Now there's fast food wrappers and cigarette ash,And a broken sun visor,Sometimes I dream about your lips,Then I wake up to the rumble strips, [great line]Under my tires,I take a deep breath,[super imagery]-bridge-My buddy set me up on a date, some girl he knew,Picked her up half past eight, she's reminds me of you, [melody seems to drag a bit at the end of the bridge]

[matthoggard]

This is turning out nice Andy!The verses are good for me. Melody matches the phrasing pretty well.In the chorus, I think when you get to the hook line, you should leave out "inside" and sing itas:"I still dont believe your gone""Cause you never leave.For me its understood that hes feeling it inside. (where else would he be feeling it unless shes a freeloader and hes trying to get her A$$ out on the street )I can see where your trying to go with the bridge. Maybe leave out the line "picked her up half past eight". I think this would consolidate it and make the delivery easier.This one is really coming together. I would suggest a faster tempo and move it closer to the "power ballad" status. There are enough "sad cause shes gone" ballads floating around out there. (hell bout every other song I write is one) I like how this is sounding. Good emotion and imagery.Matt

[cameron]

Andy, I forgot to mention earlier that I think the hook line should be "You're gone, BUT you never leave". "You're gone BECAUSE you never leave" just doesn't make sense to me. Cam

[jwebbinspired]

Thanks guys for taking the time to comment, and I definitely credit this song to this forum. It's been beaten up time after time, but it's been molded into something I'm pretty proud of now. Thanks Derek and Cam, I will save the big octave for the last chorus then, and Vince I will certainly find a demo singer who can hit that note. I'm planning on using Eric Durrance, he's the one that sang my song "Thank God" (if you want to hear it www.myspace.com/andrewscottwills )Yeah Vince, I'm going to keep working on the hook...I really like what Matt suggested "I still don't believe you're gone" seems to be pretty much what the song is saying. And I will try to speed this up a bit, I want it to be mid tempo.I just don't feel the bridge emotionally, I think I might drop the "half past eight" and let the silence convey the emotion.Thanks for everyone's input, its been so helpful.Andy

[jonathanm]

Nice work here Andy. Really nice work.Just a couple of suggestions:You might consider replacing the false rhyme in "Hard as I try I can't change it" with something like "Hard as I try I can't make it" or "Hard as I try I can't break it", just to have a clean rhyme like the others in the chorus.I like the last two line of the chorus, setting up the "believe/leave" rhyme.The "cause you never leave" make sense to me: Your saying you don't believe she's gone 'cause she never leaves. I get it. However, Cam's suggestion has a lot of power contrasting the two phrases with a "but". You might consider "Inside I still don't believe, 'cause you're gone, but you never leave."This is a really nice tune, and a great example of how to refine a tune before the demo.

[eokamura]

Hi AndyReally good stuff here. I think the lyric is outstanding. The only quibble I have is in the bridge when you say "she reminds me of you". That could be interpretted as a good, hopeful thing like you've found someone to replace her whereas I think what you're going for is some thing along the lines of "all she does is makes me think of you". Or something like that? Otherwise this is solid and I don't see why it won't find a home. Way to take the ball and run with it Taxi-forum style! eo.

[jwebbinspired]

Thanks Jonathan and Eo I really appeciate your time. I do like the suggestion of "inside I still don't believe 'cause you're gone but you never leave" I think that says it more clearly. I agree Eo, that's a good point. I'm thinking about changing it to "I find myself comparing her with you"Andy

[jwebbinspired]

I posted my latest lyrics above. I changed my hook to "Right Next To Me"

[derekmcfarland]

I was really diggin' the "you never leave" hook.I'll wait to hear how the new one sounds when you post the new work tape.Derek

[jonathanm]

Yeah, what Derek said. The bridge seems still a bit unrefined, but I'll wait to hear the phrasing.But I'm diggin' the rework of the rest of the chorus.