YOU NEVER LEAVE - Wrap Up?

[jwebbinspired]

Hopefully this is the last worktape I need to make...but we'll see. I sped the tempo up a little, but I'm not sure if it works as well. I'm eager to see what you guys think. To me it looses some of the emotion when it's faster...http://www.andrewscottwills.com/YOU%20N ... AVE.mp3YOU NEVER LEAVE©2009 Andrew Scott Wills-verse1-You hang around like an addiction,Every mornin' I walk in the kitchen,I still look for you,Sip some coffee and rub my sleepless eyes,And then I look down and realize,I poured a cup for you,And I hang my head,-chorus-Bad as it hurts I can't take it,Fast as I drive I can't shake it,I can't outrun your memory,Hard as I push I can't break it,Lying to myself will never fake it,It's so hard to believe,You're gone when you never leave,-verse2-My truck was spotless no dust on the dash,Now there's fast food wrappers and cigarette ash,And a broken sun visor,Sometimes I dream about your lips,Then I wake up to the rumble strips,Under my tires,I take a deep breath,-bridge-My buddy set me up on a date, Some girl he knew,I find myself comparing her to you,

[derekmcfarland]

Andy,Thanks for posting the worktape. I've enjoyed reading over the lyrics on the other page and hearing your melody makes me like the song even better. I love the verses. The imagery is fantastic!!! I really like the concepts of pouring a cup of coffee and the visual of the truck and the broken visor. The verses flow well and seem like what you were thinking at the time. Doesn't feel forced at all.Here's what's bugging me though....."...memories are so persistent" (leading to)"... in this man, the past is always present"Is it possible that you don't have the right hook yet? IMO, it's an "OK" hook in a GREAT song. After all that fantastic writing in the verses, I wanted you to say something good (and I mean REALLY good) directly to her for the chorus payoff. The play on words of "past" and "present" is clever, but a little too clever and cheeky compared to the rest of your heavy-weight lyrics.I know you asked about the bridge.... I agree that something isn't right with the melody, but I was hung-up on the hook. I'll listen some more.Again, I think you've got a GREAT song going here.Derek

[djb]

Well it's nice to get to hear your melody after watchin' this take shape in lyric lovers. Really gives a great image of the broken, aimless man in disrepair. I can see him shufflin' round the kitchen gettin' out those two coffee cups. The analogy of his truck fallin' apart just tops off the picture. It's your voice or the tune or both that reminds of some Radney Foster or maybe it's Bill Lloyd. Not sure which so I'll say Foster and Lloyd. As for the bridge I'm wonderin' if it's in that line "She reminds me of you". How bout: She's just remindin' me of you.? I have a nit with the long pause after "a cup for you" and "under my tires" because it's followed by another long pause after "head" and "breath". Maybe cut the first pause in half? Having been in that sorry ass state of mind myself( over of all things, a woman ) I can relate to the poor guy and I'm sure a lot of other folks can too. Good job Andy.

[jwebbinspired]

Thanks so much guys for the feedback. Just off of memory...I've had Dean, Matt, Claire, and now Derek tell me I have hook that's just ok. So I fixed it. The lyrics above now reflect my changes.I'll record a new worktape and post it in a bit. Andy

[cameron]

Hey Andy,You've really got some good imagery going there for sure (I really like "fast food wrappers and cigarette ash"). Somehow though, I'm just not getting into the melody of this one. I seem to be the only one that's said that, so probably a good idea to take my opinion with a grain of salt. Could be I'm just out of date too.Cam

[ideascapes]

Hey Andy,I'll wait until you repost as the currently posted lyric doesn't match the work tape.Vince

[jwebbinspired]

I updated the link. Thanks guys.Andy

[jwebbinspired]

*bump*

[derekmcfarland]

Bravo!I REALLY appreciate what it took for you to go back and abandon your original concept/hook/title. That is HARD! You are using this forum to it's fullest potential. I think some post their material to hear the good stuff and get defensive when the criticism comes. You did not, and this is a much better song for it!OK, my thoughts:I really like the new chorus! My only suggestion would be to save the big (up octave) "Inside I still look for you" for the last time and keep the first one down.Did the melody change slightly in the verses? I remembered (am hungry for) more simplicity on "I still look for you" and I suggest matching the phrasing to "I poured a cup for you" which follows. Same for "broken sun visor." Lyric-wise, the only thing that still sounds forced to me is "picked her up half-past eight" in the bridge. I don't believe you need to rhyme both parts of the phrase. "Knew" and "you" are enough at the end of the two phrases. "My buddy set me up with some girl that he knew...... la la la la la lala, but she reminds me of you." What would you really like to say there if you weren't trying to rhyme the middle of the phrase? Again, thanks for sharing this with us. I've learned a lot myself in the process.Derek

[cameron]

Andy,I agree with Derek that it's much better, and I also know how difficult it is to abandon the original hook and start over. I usually give up and move on, but you've really improved the hell out of this.I also agree to save the big octave up in the chorus for the last time through.The "half-past eight" line works OK for me.I'd be inclined to change the line "fast as I drive I can't shake it" to something like "fast as I drive I can't arrange it" to keep your rhyming pattern consistent.I felt bad about not being able to give you a glowing report yesterday after you left me such nice comments on mine, but I also didn't want to BS you just because you were kind to me. I'm happy to be able to say that it's sounding much better to me now.Cam