Joke of the Minute...

[ibanez468]

Tickle Me Elmo There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..." "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

[davekershaw]

Jun 18, 2008, 5:16am, ibanez468 wrote:"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

[ibanez468]

Meaning of... 'potentially' and 'realistically' A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?""Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a future congressman."

[ibanez468]

Why I Fired My Secretary Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday', and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday'. I thought...... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids....They will remember. My kids came bounding downstairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good MorningBoss, and by the way Happy Birthday'! I felt a little better, that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday. What do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me'. I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go'!We went to lunch, but we didn't go where we normally would go. Instead she chose a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each, and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day..... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?' I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?' She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment; It's just around the corner.' After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, 'Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Okay' I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom, and after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake..... Followed by my wife; my kids; and dozens of my friends and co-workers; all singing 'Happy Birthday'. And I just sat there...................... On the couch........................ Naked.............

[devin]

Jun 24, 2008, 2:15pm, ibanez468 wrote: Naked.............Woo-Hoo!A man is preparing for his wedding, but he constantly gets distracted by his fiance's younger, awesome looking sister. The young lady keeps making "those eyes" at the poor guy during the final months before the wedding...it's almost painful for him.Two days before, he swings by her apartment to pick the wishing well, and she greets him at the door wearing a slinky nightgown. Flustered, he accepts her invite to come in to grab the wishing well. As he turns around, she stands in his way...gently peeling her gown off to reveal an amazing body.She walks to the stairs, and says "just once...before you marry my sister...I'll be upstairs waiting for you."As soon as she's out of sight, he runs like mad for the door...down the steps to the driveway...turns the corner...and there is everyone in his soon to be in-law family, cheering and clapping.With tears in his eyes, his father-in-law to be hugs him and says "bless you my son! Bless you! I am so sorry to have to subject you to this little test...but I am very proud of you for making the right decision!"The moral of the story?Always keep your condoms in the glove compartment of your car.

[ibanez468]

HAHAHAHA, yeah, I remember reading this one somewhere before.

[squids]

Jun 24, 2008, 5:22pm, devin wrote: Always keep your condoms in the glove compartment of your car. That's jes good advice. For, ya know, anybody.

[ibanez468]

Fire Engine As a drunk guy staggers out of the bar one Friday evening, a fire engine races past, siren wailing and lights flashing. Immediately, the drunk starts chasing the engine, running as fast as he can until eventually he collapses, gasping for breath. In a last act of desperation he shouts after the fire engine, "If that's the way you want it, you can keep your bloody ice creams!"

[davekershaw]

Jun 24, 2008, 2:15pm, ibanez468 wrote:And I just sat there...................... On the couch........................ Naked.............

[davekershaw]

Jun 24, 2008, 8:28pm, ibanez468 wrote:HAHAHAHA, yeah, I remember reading this one somewhere before.Yeah, me too, but it's a good one Devin!