Joke of the Minute...

[ibanez468]

Two Wishes A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich. The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," The ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender. "Well, it's close to last orders, so I'll have a large Scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar. The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there." "That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. "That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs."

[mikedunbar]

A man is sitting at a bar, the fellow next to him asks if he wants to buy a talking dog. "You've got a talking dog?" the man asks. The fellow replies, "Sure, just go out behind my van in the parking lot and you'll see him." The man goes out and sees a dog there, he says to it, "So, I hear you're a talking dog. "That's right" says the dog, "I used to work for the CIA, then when we moved here, I worked undercover for the Sheriff's Department." The man goes back into the bar and asks the fellow, "How much do you want for that remarkable dog?" "Ten bucks" says the fellow. "Ten bucks?" the man replies, "You only want ten bucks for that dog who has done so much for his country and his state? Why only ten bucks?" The fellow answers, "You can't trust him. He lies. He made up all that stuff."

[drew]

A few quotes from George:Always do whatever's next.At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.Electricity is really just organized lightning.Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron?"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.In comic strips, the person on the right always speaks first.Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.Think off-center.Weather forecast for tonight: dark, with continued darkness through the night, and scattered light in the morning.Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

[allends]

Jul 29, 2008, 4:39am, drew wrote:A few quotes from George:Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.Brilliant!

[drew]

This is funny as h---, almost cruel. I wouldn't do it to my wife:http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fusea ... =39030300I noticed his wife didn't think it was funny.

[ibanez468]

Drugs or Booze Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change. Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust. Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of dollar bills and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile. The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers. Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity. "What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank. "You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze!!!" Matt replies, "What...and we weren't?"

[ibanez468]

Three Little Pigs Went To Dinner Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter comes and takes their drink order. "I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggie. "I would like a Coke," said the second little piggie. "I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggie. The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner. "I want a nice big steak," said the first piggie. "I would like the salad plate," said the second piggie. "I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggie. The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert. "I want a banana split," said the first piggie. "I want a root beer float," said the second piggie. "I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little piggie. "Pardon me for asking," said the waiter, "but why have you only ordered water?" The third piggie says, "Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!'"

[mojobone]

Wait...shouldn't one of the pigs have ordered roast beef?

[gongchime]

And the carrot cake was excellent. You couldn't even taste the carrots.

[gongchime]

Gods coming...and she's pissed.