Joke of the Minute...

[davekershaw]

Jun 4, 2008, 7:29pm, drew wrote:Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.Well I never!

[mojobone]

And neither did I! Fascinating (only to me) subject, but not an actual joke. From wikipedia:Quote:"One theory, of sufficient popularity as to be an example of so-called folk etymology, is that a brass monkey is a brass tray used in naval ships during the Napoleonic Wars, for the storage of cannonballs, piled up in a pyramid. The theory goes that the tray, would contract in cold weather, causing the balls to fall off. This theory is discredited by the US. Department of the Navy[7] and the etymologist Michael Quinion and the OED's AskOxford web site[3] for five main reasons: 1. The Oxford English Dictionary does not record the term "monkey" or "brass monkey" being used in this way. 2. The purported method of storage of cannonballs ("round shot") is simply false. Shot was not stored on deck continuously on the off-chance that the ship might go into battle. Indeed, decks were kept as clear as possible. 3. Furthermore, such a method of storage would result in shot rolling around on deck and causing a hazard in high seas. Shot was stored on the gun or spar decks, in shot racks—longitudinal wooden planks with holes bored into them, known as shot garlands in the Royal Navy, into which round shot were inserted for ready use by the gun crew. 4. Shot was not left exposed to the elements where it could rust. Such rust could lead to the ball not flying true. Indeed, gunners would attempt to remove as many imperfections as possible from the surfaces of balls. 5. The physics do not stand up to scrutiny. All of the balls would contract equally, and the contraction of both balls and plate over the range of temperatures involved would not be particularly large. The effect claimed possibly could be reproduced under laboratory conditions with objects engineered to a high precision for this purpose, but it is unlikely it would ever have occurred in real life aboard a warship. Brass CannonsA similar theory states that expression refers to a cannon. Quinion notes that there was a cannon nicknamed this in the mid-seventeenth century (i.e. much too early).However, although early brass cannons known as 'monkeys' were outmoded by cast iron cannon, cast iron, when very cold, becomes brittle. So, in very cold weather the cast iron cannons could be prone to shattering when fired. Brass is not subject to the same effect, so brass guns could still be fired safely in cold weather. Thus it became a seamans ironic joke that in extreme cold weather they would have to revert to using old fashioned 'brass monkeys' (even though the Royal Navy no longer had any in use) Hence it would be 'cold enough to use brass monkeys' - nothing to do with genitals."Really tweaked my ear, given that I'm an ex-squid (USS Nimitz) and "cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey" was an expression my father used. (also 'colder than a witches teat', but I digress)further, a Brass Monkey was one of the first cocktails I ever tried, while serving in the afore-mentioned Navy, viz:Quote:A Brass Monkey usually refers to a cocktail consisting of equal parts dark rum, vodka, and orange juice. Essentially it's a screwdriver made with the addition of rum. This is considered to be the "official" recipe.andQuote:There was a pre-mixed cocktail called "Brass Monkey" produced by the Heublein Company in the 1980's and 1990's. It was fairly inexpensive and provided a portable alternative to regular mixed drinks. Heublein was based in Stamford, Connecticut, and had production facilities in the Hartford area. Brass Monkey was available in bottles from half pint up to 750 mL. At the time that "Brass Monkey" was released, liquor stores carried mostly beer, wine, and hard alcohol; there were very few pre-mixed alternatives.Sorry for the thread-jack, looks like I owe you folks a joke or two.

[frodo]

Jun 5, 2008, 11:14am, davekershaw wrote:Jun 4, 2008, 10:33pm, ibanez468 wrote:Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."So True!!! Agree! Hehe! Very funny!+1::- until next timefrodo

[bmete]

The stewardess on my flight yesterday left us with this cute joke..What did the girl mushroom say to the boy mushroom...You're a "fun guy" ( ok you got to say it fast )..bob

[devin]

Jun 7, 2008, 3:32am, bmete wrote:The stewardess on my flight yesterday left us with this cute joke..What did the girl mushroom say to the boy mushroom...You're a "fun guy" ( ok you got to say it fast )..bobbwahaha...a good "mile high" mushroom joke...thanks Bob! Here's a corny one for us:Grandpa walks into a lumberjack camp that is hiring woodcutters.Grandpa: "I'm yer man!"Forman: "Well if you're any good, go cut that log in half so we can get it on the truck."Grandpa looks at the 100' long trunk that is about 3 feet thick in the middle. He walks to his truck, and walks back with an axe.The site erupts in laughter, as lumberjacks start shaking their heads, some of them pulling out money to make bets, etc.Grandpa pulls the axe back, and hits the log 4 times in 2 seconds, jumps over the log, and delivers the final blow. The far ends of the log jump about a foot in the air as the log seperates, and the wheel-barrow sized wood chips from his first four swings rain down on the yard, crashing into trucks, the porta-potty, etc.The loggers stand in silence...and grandpa walks back to the foreman.Grandpa: "Good enough fer ya?"Forman: "Absolutely. Welcome aboard...and if you don't mind me asking, where did you learn how to do that?!?"Grandpa says "The Sahara forest" as he turns to walk towards his truck.Forman: "Don't you mean the Sahara Desert?"Grandpa throws the axe in the back..."Well ya, now it is"***posters disclaimer: no pigs were harmed in the telling of this joke***

[ibanez468]

Good one Dev!Emotional Extremes The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," said the student. "And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma. "Elation," said she. "And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "How about the opposite of woe?" The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."***This is only geared towards the head of our current administration.***

[aimusic]

Ibz, I cracked myself up on that one!!! THAT IS CLASSIC!?!?!?!?!I guess you guys in the States diss the Texans, our equivalent of the Texans in South Africa are the Afrikaaners... (joke wise)How To Annoy TelemarketersSay, “No,” over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they’re trying to speak. Maybe sing a song with all “No’s” This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could it. Ask, “How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like that other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?” If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “Why do you want to know?” Or you can say, “I’m so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my colon is acting up again, my rectum are sore, my pet rock just died…” When they try to get back to the sales process, just keep talking about your problems… if they persist - ask them why they don’t care. If the person says he’s Joe Shmoe from the Acme Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask for his address. Ask for landmarks. Continue asking questions about the company for as long as necessary. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: “Hi, my name is Jessica and I’m with Roger Dodd Services…. You: “Hang on a second.” (few seconds pause) “Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?” If you get one of those pushy sales people who just won’t shut up, patiently listen to their sales pitch. When they try to close the deal, tell them that you’ll need to go get your credit card. Then, just set the phone down and go do laundry, go shopping or whatever. See how long that commission based scum waits for you to get your credit card. If a long distance phone company calls trying to get you to sign up for their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, “I don’t have any friends… would you be my friend?” If that doesn’t work, say “Please.” Tell them you work for the same company they work for. For example: Telemarketer: “This is John From Acme Sales.”You: “Acme Sales, hey I work for them too! Which center are you calling from?”Telemarketer: “Uh, Dallas, Texas.”You: “Great, how’s business over there? The weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya.” Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional “Uh-huh, really, or, “That’s fascinating.” Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn’t give your credit card number to someone who’s a complete stranger. You might even find your soulmate. Tell the telemarketer (this is my personal favorite) you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of telemarketers). If the sales person says, “Well, I don’t really want to get a call at home,” say, “Ya! Now you know how I feel.” (smiling, of course…)The last one is my favourite!!!

[devin]

I usually wait until they are on their fourth "but sir, we also do this and this..."Then I say "Do you realize if you were this persistent in school you'd have a real job by now?".

[linziellen]

Guys I dare not post the link, a few months ago I listened to a recorded BT telemarketing call Just type "Crazy Man (Telemarketer)"into Youtube. You'll understand why I don't want to post the link As a side note, this one had tears streaming down my face...http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=J5z4Vs26-TI - prank call

[feaker]

I love it Linz!That was a hoot:)Paul