Joke of the Minute...

[devin]

Hahaha Linzi!!!What's the least often heard phrase in the English language?"Hey, check out the banjo player's Porsche!" ** Sadly, I represent that comment....

[liamkelly]

A Senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 160Kmh; enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the N1, enjoying pushing the pedal To the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as He floored it to 180Kmh, then 220, then 240Kmh. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man, looked seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Yearsago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman.

[davekershaw]

Quote:Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."Hey! I like that one!!

[Casey H]

Programmer Jokes:A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.""You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist."I do" replies the man. "How did you know?""Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone." The man below replies, "You must work in management.""I do" replies the balloonist, "But how'd you know?""Well", says the man, "you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault." ------------------A young Programmer and his Project Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself, “It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I’m glad she slapped him.”The Project manager is sitting there thinking, “I didn’t know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn’t missed him when she slapped me!”The young woman was sitting and thinking, “I’m glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!”The young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, “Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his Project manager all at the same time!”---------------A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.The physicist said "We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed".The engineer said "I think I've got a few spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out what's wrong".The programmer said "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducable?"-------------A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, “Where’d you get that?”The student on the bike replies, “While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, ‘You can have anything you want’.”The first student responds, “Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you.” ---------------Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight.Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show his work. Visibly upset, Satan cries and says, “I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out.”“Very well,” says God, “let us see if Jesus has fared any better.”Jesus presses a key, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.Satan is astonished. He stutters, “B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus’ program is intact! How did he do it?”God chuckles, “Everybody knows… Jesus saves.”------------Drug dealers:Refer to their clients as "users". "The first one's free!" Have important South-East Asian connections (to help move the stuff). Strange jargon: "Stick", "Rock", "Dime bag," "E". Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market. Job is assisted by industry's producing newer, more potent mixes. Often seen in the company of pimps and hustlers. Their product causes unhealthy addictions. Do your job well, and you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on you. Software developers:Refer to their clients as "users". "Download a free trial version..." Have important South-East Asian connections (to help debug the code). Strange jargon: "SCSI", "ISDN", "Java", "RTFM" Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market. Job is assisted by industry's producing newer, faster machines. Often seen in the company of marketing people and venture capitalists. Their product causes unhealthy addictions - DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem 3D. Damn! Damn! DAMN!!! Casey

[jazzstan]

So up the street is a mini-mall with three stores: A vetinarian, a taxi-dermist and a vietnamese restaurant. So... one way or another, you'll get your dog back.

[mewman]

Few people know that Heaven and Hell actually border each other and that there is a fence running between the two sides. On the Heaven side, the lawn is flawlessly manicured and there are assorted lovely flowers planted along the fence. On the Hell side the lawn is unkept, full of weeds and crabgrass. One day God notices that some of the unsightly weeds are poking through the fence, dropping seeds into the heavenly lawn and entangling themselves in the flowers. He calls over Satan and says "Listen Lucifer, I've just about had it with that mess you call a yard over there! I've told you repeatedly to keep your weeds away from my Garden. If you don't do something about cleaning it up, I'm going to sue you!". Upon hearing this the Devil just laughed and replied ".... and just where do you think you're going to find a Lawyer!!".

[drew]

A REDNECK LOVE POEM SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL,SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOEAND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL.BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.'YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER.BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,JUST DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY.MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE;YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.

[devin]

** Do NOT click this link if you have anything important to do**http://www.gamereclaim.com/2008/10/128/** End of disclaimer!A collaborator sent this to me last night, just as I sat down to do a mix....the jerk!!! It takes a second to load up...and at least 15 minutes to get out of your brain.

[mewman]

Curse you Devon!Mewman

[squids]

Jun 8, 2004, 6:25pm, chops wrote:Maybe you heard this one.Q. What do you toss a drowning singer.A. Their floor monitor.And see? This is why I don't gig anymo!