Joke of the Minute...

[davekershaw]

Let's try and raise the standard around here! A woman was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at the boyfriend, "Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband's home early!"The boyfriend looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! Its pouring out there!" She said, "If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both! So the boyfriend grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he began running down the street, he discovered he had run right in the middle of a town marathon, so he started running along beside the others. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could. One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?" He answered, while gasping for air, "Oh, yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running". Another runner then asked the nude man, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?" The nude man answered breathlessly, "Oh, yes, that way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!" The runner then asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" He replied "Only if it's raining."

[ibanez468]

The Lie ClockA man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at thePearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has aLie-Clock.Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.''Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?''That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicatingthat she never told a lie.''Incredible,' said the man'. And whose clock is that one?'St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The handshave moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entirelife.''Where's President Bush's clock?' asked the man.'Bush's clock is in Jesus' office.He's using it as a ceiling fan.

[devin]

Three men are standing in front of the check in desk for Heaven. St Peter is interviewing them in turn."Name?"#1 responds. "Ibanez, sir.""Hmmm...lemme see...lemme see...whoa! You're waaaay too early! Why are you here now?""At lunchtime, I went to my best friend's apartment, because he thought his wife was having an affair. I pounded on the door, and she eventually answered wearing a bathrobe. I ran through the apartment looking for the offender, and when I looked out the window, I saw him running down the stairs of the apartment building, putting his shirt on. I picked up the fridge, threw it out the window, and died of a heart attack."St. Peter thinks in silence...then says "wow, bad day for you. But the damage is done, so c'mon in. Next!"#2 responds "Jazzstan, your grace"."OK, let me see...ah yes...what the?!? You're here early too! What happened?""I don't really know. I was late for a gig, I was getting dressed while running out to the car, and I was hit by a fridge.""OMG...alright, in you go. That guy over there playing the left-handed guitar owes you a beer, btw. Next!"#3. "Dave Kershaw"St. Peter flips through the whole book. "Hmmm....I can't find your name. Are you sure this is the right place?"Dave says "I don't know...you tell me!"St. Peter asks "well, how did you die?"Dave says "I don't know that either! One minute I'm hiding in this fridge, and the next minute, I'm standing in this line...."

[davekershaw]

Oi! Ibanez and Jazzstan; I reckon we're owed some royalties there!

[davekershaw]

The inventor Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur:"Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?" God said, "Ah, yes." "Well, " said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention: 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion. 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds. 3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much. 4. The maintenance costs are outrageous." "Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.

[ibanez468]

Good one Dave!! I'm just tryna' keep it clean before I get attacked again. I realize the standard is QUITE soft, but I'm just tryna' comply with some earlier complaints that went against me. Don't feel like startin' a war. There's already plenty of those goin' on now anyway. I-468

[matthoggard]

A Texas sheep rancher went to visit his rancher buddy in Montana who had recently sold his cattle herd for a herd of sheep.He spent a few days showing "Montana" the differences of cattle ranching and sheep ranching.One night "Texas" is awakened by an awful commotion out in the barn. The sheep are bleating insanely so he puts on his boots and goes to the barn to check it out.Well "Texas" is stunned to find "Montana" in the barn with a sheep cornered and about to get "intimate" with the poor thing. "Texas" hollers Whoa Whoa! "Montana" where I come from we sheer those things first."Montana" hollers back, ARE YOU CRAZY? I AINT SHEERIN THIS WITH NOBODY!!!!!!!The great state of Montana....................Where the men are men and the sheep are SKEERED. (But not sheered)Hope I cleaned it up enough...............................M~

[bmete]

Hey Matt-When everything all done- did Montana sing " There never be another "EWE"Bob

[nomiyah]

WHAT IS IT..... ?Each question consists of 3 clues. Answers at the bottom (NO cheating)1. I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.2. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes lick my nuts.3. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me.. I'm called a big swinger.4. Over 1,000 people went down on me. I wasn't maiden for long. A big hard thing ripped me open.5. You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.6. When I go in I cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole.7. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.8. All day long, it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me.9. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard.10. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news.11. I offer Protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off.12. I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.13. My business is briefs. I am a cunning linguist. I plead and plead for it.14. I make some guys shoot in the air. I usually have a little pecker. I'm better in your hand than in your bush.ANSWERS:1. nose2. peanut butter3. crane4. Titanic5. tent6. dentist7. wedding ring8. elevator9. chewing gum10. newspaper boy11. glove12. arrow13. attorney14. bird

[drew]

Oct 12, 2008, 6:43pm, nomiyah wrote:WHAT IS IT..... ?Each question consists of 3 clues. Answers at the bottom (NO cheating)1. I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.2. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes lick my nuts.3. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me.. I'm called a big swinger.4. Over 1,000 people went down on me. I wasn't maiden for long. A big hard thing ripped me open.5. You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.6. When I go in I cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole.7. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.8. All day long, it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me.9. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard.10. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news.11. I offer Protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off.12. I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.13. My business is briefs. I am a cunning linguist. I plead and plead for it.14. I make some guys shoot in the air. I usually have a little pecker. I'm better in your hand than in your bush. This one seemed easy til I read the answers.