Tomorrow's Kiss - ROUGH 2 verses and choruses REVISED

[fret17]

Thanks Tom.... It's funny how defensive we can get knowing we have to get past intense scrutiny, whether it's a Taxi screener, a publisher, A&R person, etc. Not complaining! I'm totally fine with that. I accept it as part of the biz. We have to be a notch better as unknowns...

Personally, I don't think the "average listener" would give a second thought to whether that makes sense--- they'll 'get it' immediately. Screeners and publishers? Not as sure... I think the verse lyrics are much more an issue... not quite there yet as a cohesive story-- a starting point IMO...

Thanks again!
Casey

I agree Casey...we have to strive to be as top notch as we can get and keep improving....I'm convinced that as long as we use the tools , don't break the rules, and keep our cools, we can fool the fools!

[allends]

It was a fun ride with you, Casey.

You might be interested to know my guitar broke during my kirtan chanting gig last night because I played it too hard. This is the second time it has happened. Time for some glue and clamps AGAIN!

[shellsings]

Howdy! The metaphor dry yesterdaya tears with tomorrows kiss" makes so much sense. No need to change that!

[Casey H]

Howdy! The metaphor dry yesterdaya tears with tomorrows kiss" makes so much sense. No need to change that!

Thanks Shell!
Nice to hear that since it's the best part of the song. No other words seem to be as effective for me... But I'm still open minded...

Casey

[Casey H]

Hi all...
Revisiting some songs I put away for a while...

Questions on this song ROUGH IDEA... Some of you chimed in on these before. I'd like some fresh opinions.

The verse lyrics aren't very good and can be considered almost place holders.

(1) Can I, WITH SOME VOCAL MELODIC VARIATION, get away with the same four chords in the verses and chorus? I would add a bridge to break it up. The current verse melody, as sung in V1, is repetitive and sing-songy.

(2) What do you think of the hook line: "I'll dry yesterday's tears with tomorrow's kiss"... Literally, you can't dry yesterday's tears, especially if you are singing about a hurt from the past. I've tried some variants on it but not "feel" right to me. Does artistic license cover me here?

ROUGH AND PITCHY!

Thanks!
Casey

http://www.reverbnation.com/tunepak/3517721

Tomorrow's Kiss (c) CPH ... Do Not Steal!

(Verse)
I know I made a big mistake
I said that we should be just friends
I made you cry and let you slip away
As fate would have it now you're here
And I know we were meant to be
Look in my eyes, could I ever be more clear?

(Chorus)
'Cos I swear
I swear to this
I'll dry yesterday's tears
With tomorrow's kiss

(Verse)
I let my fears make me so weak
I never met someone like you
Didn't think that you would stay with me
Life can bring a second chance
We got ours and I won't blow it
Touch me now and feel a different man

(Chorus 2x)
'Cos I swear
I swear to this
I'll dry yesterday's tears
With tomorrow's kiss

(Repeats)

[allends]

Hi Casey,

I've been thinking about what would make your lyrics speak to me and I have a few ideas that drive a total re-write. Here's the new scene that I'm painting below. Rather than your story line where the singer meets up with an old flame, says he's sorry, and promises to be better from now on, my story line is:

He's alone in bed, a broken man wishing he could have her back. By showing him as someone who's imagining a better life instead of someone who's approaching her, I'm trying to show that his feelings are honest and from the gut. My objective is to stay away from things that could offend a sensitive listener who might wonder why the guy thinks he is worthy of her. I'm thinking maybe with your lyric, some people might think that way, but not as much with mine (hopefully) because he's just exploring his feelings all alone. I'm choosing to have him say "she" and "her" rather than "you" to emphasize that he is isolated and alone, feeling regrets and making plans to change his ways.

Also, in my story he regrets having walked away from her and the "home" they once shared. To me, this is more typical than a guy who caused a girl to cry because he wanted to be "just friends". Also, it's easier to wish that someone could go back home than to wish that they be forgiven for lacking passion in a relationship.

Anyway, this first pass of mine below lacks a bridge, the rhyming scheme is loose, and the cadence of the lyrics might not be evident to anyone but me (just know that I didn't change the melody for your verses and you'll get catch my drift), but here goes nothing:


Tomorrow's Kiss (c) CPH

(Instrumental hook)

(Verse)
Another day just thrown away
Another night alone and tired
An empty bottle where she used to lay.
I saw her picture yesterday
And I remembered everything,
The way she looked the day I walked away.

(Pre-chorus)
And now I wanna be her man
If she'll have me back again!

(Chorus)
'Cos I swear
I swear to this
I'll dry yesterday's tears
With tomorrow's kiss

(Instrumental hook)

(Verse)
How could I have been so wrong?
And now I've waited far too long!
I know I deserve to feel the pain.
But if ever life was kind
She would be here by my side
Breathin' softly, sleepin' in my arms.

(Pre-chorus)
I don't wanna be alone
I just wanna come back home!

(Chorus 2x)
'Cos I swear
I swear to this
I'll dry yesterday's tears
With tomorrow's kiss

(Repeats)

[yammer107]

Happy Holidays (or what evers politically correct your way) !

I like the repeating riff.... sound a little Shakespearean with touch of chivalry

For the record I've done a song or two with same chords for verse/chorus - and it was never called out by the screeners. One even commented 'nice changes' which made me snicker a bit! But its all in how you weave your melody/harmonies over top and create some contrast with other treatments. I like what youve done so far

Chris

[Casey H]

Thanks Allen and Chris

Chris, "Happy Holidays" works in Philly as well as Cleveland, LOL! Thanks for the listen and feedback!

Allen, thanks for the lyric ideas. One thing I often do is write a song based on personal experience and if the hook line itself is good, totally re-write the verses around it to be more universal or just plain work better. I'll certianly check out your ideas.

So, what do you guys think about the "Dry yesterday's tears" thing? Artistic license OK there?

Happy Holidays
Casey

[yammer107]

..
I really like the line ; I almost always go with artistic license....... I'd rather have a cool phrase that feels right or flows off the tongue better....

[allends]

So, what do you guys think about the "Dry yesterday's tears" thing? Artistic license OK there?

In my half-baked opinion, the bigger problem with the phrase is the combined sound of the two words "I'll dry". The "L" followed by the "D" is hard to hear correctly the first time through, plus, it doesn't sound as pleasing as a combination of word sounds that end in vowels or with consonants that follow each other more smoothly. My feeling is that Northerners like us wouldn't normally give this issue a second look, but I'm picturing this song to have more potential in the Country genre, so it would be safer to craft the tune with the most comfortable manner of speaking.

Good luck, brother!