Joke of the Minute...

[davekershaw]

Dear IT Support,18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2005.Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted.They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself'

[liamkelly]

10 out of 10, Dave Still laughing!

[davekershaw]

'Dear IT LADIES Support:Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower and Jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0.Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do?Signed, Desperate ------------------Dear Desperate:First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.Try entering the command: C:/ / I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly.CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a supported application and will crash Husband 1.0.In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally would recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.Good Luck, IT Support ------------------

[drew]

I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up.~ Tom LehrerIs he talking about me?

[ibanez468]

What $2 Can Buy His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV, adds, just to make conversation. Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?" "A box of Tampax," he replied without hesitation. "Tampax?" said the doctor. "What would you do with that?" "Well," said Johnny, "I do not know exactly, but it's sure worth two dollars. With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to."

[ernstinen]

Sept 27, 2008, 11:42am, ibanez468 wrote:What $2 Can Buy His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV, adds, just to make conversation. Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?" "A box of Tampax," he replied without hesitation. "Tampax?" said the doctor. "What would you do with that?" "Well," said Johnny, "I do not know exactly, but it's sure worth two dollars. With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to."HaHaHaHa! My man Ibanez from the Southside scores again!Speaking of the Southside, GO WHITE SOX! They were my team when I was a kid --- LOVED the Sox! I went to many games at the old Comiskey Park, and even went with my young nephew to the new Comiskey Park. I told him, "We're going to get a foul ball in the next few minutes." We had great seats near the 1st base dugout, and sure enough, a foul ball came speeding toward us. There was a mad scramble, and I got the ball and handed it to my nephew. "See! What'd I tell ya!"Well, the ball was hit by Mark McGuire when he was still with Oakland. I asked my nephew about the ball a few months later, 'cause it could be worth something, and he said "Uncle Johnny, I took it to school to play with it and I LOST IT!" --- Oh, those kids! My Dodgers are IN, and the Cubbies are also! My grandpa loved the Twins, but they've won enough over the years, so GO SOX! (And Angels! --- man, I like so many teams --- Sheesh! ). Ern

[mewman]

What do you get when you cross a penis with a potato?....................................A dictator!

[nomiyah]

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a sonof a beech or a son of a birch?'The birch says he cannot tell.Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech, or a son of a birch?'The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.'

[nomiyah]

An Italian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on hiscell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife had produced a typical Italian baby boy weighing 25 pounds.Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Italian guy just shrugs, "That's about average back home,folks......like I said, my boy's a typical Italian bambino."Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"....one woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.Two weeks later he returns to the bar.The bartender says, "Say you're the father of that typical Italian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?"The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious."What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"The Italian father takes a long swig of Sambuca, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says....."We had him circumcised."

[nomiyah]

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that the average American drinks 22 gallons of alcohol a year. Thus, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.