Joke of the Minute...

[davekershaw]

Quote:Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."Hey! I like that one!!

[Casey H]

Programmer Jokes:A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.""You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist."I do" replies the man. "How did you know?""Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone." The man below replies, "You must work in management.""I do" replies the balloonist, "But how'd you know?""Well", says the man, "you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault." ------------------A young Programmer and his Project Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself, “It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I’m glad she slapped him.”The Project manager is sitting there thinking, “I didn’t know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn’t missed him when she slapped me!”The young woman was sitting and thinking, “I’m glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!”The young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, “Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his Project manager all at the same time!”---------------A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.The physicist said "We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed".The engineer said "I think I've got a few spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out what's wrong".The programmer said "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducable?"-------------A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, “Where’d you get that?”The student on the bike replies, “While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, ‘You can have anything you want’.”The first student responds, “Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you.” ---------------Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight.Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show his work. Visibly upset, Satan cries and says, “I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out.”“Very well,” says God, “let us see if Jesus has fared any better.”Jesus presses a key, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.Satan is astonished. He stutters, “B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus’ program is intact! How did he do it?”God chuckles, “Everybody knows… Jesus saves.”------------Drug dealers:Refer to their clients as "users". "The first one's free!" Have important South-East Asian connections (to help move the stuff). Strange jargon: "Stick", "Rock", "Dime bag," "E". Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market. Job is assisted by industry's producing newer, more potent mixes. Often seen in the company of pimps and hustlers. Their product causes unhealthy addictions. Do your job well, and you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on you. Software developers:Refer to their clients as "users". "Download a free trial version..." Have important South-East Asian connections (to help debug the code). Strange jargon: "SCSI", "ISDN", "Java", "RTFM" Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market. Job is assisted by industry's producing newer, faster machines. Often seen in the company of marketing people and venture capitalists. Their product causes unhealthy addictions - DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem 3D. Damn! Damn! DAMN!!! Casey

[squids]

Jun 8, 2004, 6:25pm, chops wrote:Maybe you heard this one.Q. What do you toss a drowning singer.A. Their floor monitor.And see? This is why I don't gig anymo!

[michael11]

Nov 16, 2008, 12:05am, squids wrote:I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog Lola and was in line to checkout. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh! I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I had awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her. Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital. I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.ROTFLMAO ;

[byllsong]

I need a tissue...

[ibanez468]

Oh gaawwwd! I tell ya', you're somethin' else!! I-468

[squids]

As far as you know.

[davekershaw]

Nov 25, 2008, 9:30am, sgs4u wrote: Yeah, tHOSE fellas don't mess about!

[davekershaw]

Just had new bathrooms fitted.We decided to have his and hers.You should see hers!

[liamkelly]

Nov 27, 2008, 11:31pm, remmet wrote:A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the workday approached, the bartender was dismayed to find he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc." That's bad, remmet. In a good way