Joke of the Minute...

[mewman]

A Scottish gentleman was taking the long way home after an afternoon of drinking with his pals when he felt suddenly sleepy. He walked a bit off the road, lay down under a tree, and promptly fell fast asleep. Soon, a couple of school girls came skipping by and noticed the guy passed out. They both looked at each other, giggled, then snuck up on him. Being curious as to what was actually under a Scottsman's kilt, they lifted it and were shocked to see he had nothing on underneath. Being a bit precocious, one of the girls took a blue ribbon she had in her hair and tied it in a bow around the man's penis. Off they ran, laughing. Soon after, the man awoke and immediately felt the urge to urinate. When he lifted his kilt he found the bow and remarked with surprise..." Well, my friend, I don't know where you've been but I see you've won first prize!"

[davekershaw]

Quote: I don't know where you've been but I see you've won first prize!"

[davekershaw]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were standing looking at a prize cow in a field.The Englishman says "Look at that fine English cow."The Irishman disagreed, saying "No, it's an Irish cow."The Scotsman thought for a moment and then clinched the argument. "No, it's a Scottish cow - it's got bagpipes underneath!"

[nomiyah]

http://s233.photobucket.com/albums/ee17 ... 1.flvFunny 911 call

[ibanez468]

The Whole Truth At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your father a big hug."

[drew]

Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.~ Unknown

[ibanez468]

Cremate Me A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated." "And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?" The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, 'Now you have everything.'"

[davekershaw]

Quote:The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, 'Now you have everything.'"

[davekershaw]

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. "Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you." "But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!" "Really? Great! Show me!" So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking. "Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanising all over, the country!" "Womanising? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!" "Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?" "Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

[davekershaw]

Just when I thought it was safe to go back in the water!!